Previously, there were many moments, when I felt Sparky still closely connected to me, but lately, this feeling has faded and I miss him even more. I often would sit on my bed and suddenly get a faint waft of his fur. We also had a song that used to pop up on the radio all the time after his passing. And of course there were other instances when I just felt like Sparks was sitting close by, keeping an eye on me. It's been difficult not having many of these experiences anymore. I miss him just as much as I did when he first left.
Today I decided to walk down to the beach for the first time in months. Our beach. The beach where Sparky would end up romping around half the afternoon, meeting new friends and sniffing a gazillion different doggy butts. At first it felt okay and I was glad that I went, but when I got closer to 'our spots' it just became more and more apparent that I was walking alone now... I saw a few doggy parents and their mutts, but it just made the matter worse. In the end I spent time building a little memorial, which surely will be washed away by the waves tonight, but in some way it allows me to believe that Sparky will get my little message and that I haven't forgotten him in all these months and I still wish I could kiss his sweet face one last time.
It's really not easy walking alone ....
I miss you honey ... so, so much!
(Last trip to the beach, July 2009)
Dear Sparky is in another place now without limitations and you can be with him there right now. You are allowed to be there and the two of you are together there, 24 hours a day. No religion or thought interferes or changes this experience of now being together wherever you go. This is present not past and you are together forever. See and experience this new way of being together. It is so by your experience not imagination. You can read about this a little in quantum physics if you wish. The experience you and Sparky have together is your proof now. Just be with him and see where your thoughts take you and the experience will enfold.
ReplyDeleteI also lost my dear companion family member after 141/2 years together and now we are inseparable wherever I am or go and I see also where we are. It is a different level of being together. The experience occurs. I did not even imagine such possibilities and my grief is less severe.
Talk to Sparky and listen and see
Your Love is Powerful and opens Gates
Hey there Mareike! Very nice post. I share your feelings about being out 'alone'-- it sucks. It was the overriding feeling that led me to get another pup. When I finally ventured out to run for the first time without my girl, it was a dismal disaster. I knew I needed another companion...hence, the PonyGirl.
ReplyDeleteThis morning I did a 5-mile run on Lopez Island (one of the San Juan Islands in case you are not familiar with them) and PG was right there by my side seeing this enchanted place for the first time. I remember the last time here with Cowgirl and it made me smile (!). It was the best run since losing CG,so it does take some time but it can happen again.
We passed through SB a few weeks ago and I thought about contacting you but it was in the middle of your studying and didn't want to intrude. Maybe another time.
Anyway, sorry to ramble. Peace and e-hugs to you and the pups who are gone and the ones who are here now.
xo g
That was just beautiful, Mareike! Even though you and I have never met, you just put into words exactly how I'm feeling.
ReplyDeleteSpring seems to have arrived early, in Michigan, this year. (At least I hope it's Spring and not a "teaser"!) Bob was sitting on our balcony, the other day, and told me he didn't want to sit there, without Joe, because they used to sit out there, for hours and hours, and Bob would talk to him about whatever they were seeing. Bob went on to tell me that he felt like Joe would have wanted to be there, with him, so he took a framed photo of Joe and put it on the balcony with him...he said he talked to him, for a couple of hours. Broke my heart but, at the same time, was so very sweet.
I know you miss your Sparky, I understand.
I wanted to share this with you...I found a portrait of a dog, on eBay, that had an expression so much like Joe's that it was almost haunting. I purchased it and got to talking with the artist, via e-mail. Her name is Lisa Charlton (www.LisaCharltonGallery.com) and she does amazing work! I've sent her several pictures of Joe and she's planning to paint him for her work, some time in the future. (Part of her proceeds go to rescue, which is near and dear to me, of course!) I thought you might be interested in checking out her site...
I hope you have a wonderful vacation, awesome time with your parents and know that Sparky is with you, no matter where you are in this world. *hugs*
oh my goodness - the single walk.
ReplyDeleteA dreaded moment.
I returned to many of "our" places and each one was difficult, but necessary. Unfortunately for me, a new pup hasn't taken that sorrow away. I'm very reluctant to take Scarlett to some of those places, because just around town, here in the city of "indiana territory", it's difficult.
That picture of her on the tree stump is from the park right outside my new apartment. The tree stump is still there. But now it's a part of some little garden, all fenced off by itself. Like someone knew it was a special place for me. And every time I walk by there, I feel Indie's energy of jumping up on the stump in a single bound, full of energy, confidence, and me not even holding onto the leash anymore because she was THAT good. She's so happy in that picture. And of course Scarlett always stops to sniff around that area and it's almost annoying.
I love Scarlett, but I'm still stuck in my Indie routines and it's hard for me to go from complete understanding ( our own silent language) to this complete opposite relationship.
But ya know, I do feel that the only painful part is with me. Whatever pain or grief Indiana may have had in death and leaving me, I'm sure is dissolved by now and trumped by some other wonderful existence. If I'm not cranky and stressed, I can feel her in the sunshine, and the quiet rainy days, the soft snow, and certainly in the trees and the breeze. I know I probably sound like a nutball - but I also know what I know. And I know my Indie!
The "alone" places are hard, but try to visit them in the present rather than walking there for the past. And don't let the darkness enter. Sparky seems like the kind of dog that could make ANYONE smile. Keep his energy and free spirit with you always!!!
Spoken from the heart - your emptiness and deep sorrow are completely understood. The bond you shared with Sparky is the kind that only the lucky get to experience.
ReplyDeleteI know we've talked of it, but I so "get" what you are saying about missing the signs. I haven't felt Bailey in forever and I worry that the rainbow bridge does not really exist. I guess we'll find the truth one day, but until then, know you have a friend to lean on who understands completely.
It was so great to see you a few weeks ago. You truly are the only good thing that came out of losing Bailey. I guess deep down, Sparky and Bailey had a plan to bring us together.
Miss you!
B