Changes are on the Way

Well, I'm back in town. Made it in one piece and had a blast while being gone. However, it is always nice to come back home. A couple of times I accidentally thought I would come home to Sparky, but then in a sense I did come home to him. My first step was to sit next to his spot and and bury my nose in the carpet to check whether I could still smell his feet. I could. Whenever I do that, I get bombarded by little flashbacks. I can't really describe it, but for a few split seconds, it feels like as if he is still beside me. I love that. But I don't do it very often, because I'm worried that the feeling will go away.

So my headline spoke of changes. There will be a few this year. First, my official law school graduation is this weekend. Yep, even though I already finished 6 months ago and even took the bar exam 9 weeks ago, I still have to attend my official graduation. I've never been to an American graduation. For some reason I always avoided them so far. But I thought this one was important. If not for the fact that Sparky and I had worked so hard for this.

And then next Friday is the big day. I will get my exam results at 6 pm, online, at the State Bar of CA website. Scary! I have tried to envision that day and it always ends in me getting nauseous and sick to my stomach... I'm not even kidding. I feel like my whole life is riding on this, which is probably not a good idea and way too much pressure. Yes, I am not looking forward to Friday, the 14th.

Either way, there will be a lot of changes. If I do pass, I will go and find a 'real' job, and eventually a bigger home and a needy furchild (in the form of a pug - I've made my decision). I'm excited about adding a little couch potato to my life. And finally, I do not feel as guilty anymore, or that I am cheating on Sparky. I felt like that for a long time.  Speaking of not feeling guilty: I actually managed to enjoy a day at the beach yesterday without the overwhelming feeling of grief. The beach was Sparky's favorite spot, and it nearly took me  7 months to even come near it. Yesterday I took my puppysitting gig to the beach and I had a wonderful time with a black lab girl. I'm glad that things have changed a little bit. On top of this: The other day I took a long walk through the neighborhood and I felt as if Sparky was with me whenever I hit one of our old spots ... it just felt nice. Sure, in the end I always mope, but maybe not as much as I used to  a few months ago.

In the event that I don't pass the bar on the first try, there will be unwanted change in the form of another 2 months of heavy-duty studying. This, I'd rather not talk about....

Well, it's good to be back ... I've decided to make 2010 a better year than 2009.  I will pass the bar, I will get a bigger place, a new car, and a Pug. There, you have it. The deal is sealed.

Good to be back! :)

Sparky 2005 - Moving Day