I don't even know where to start, but I feel someone burst my bubble today. I have been so convinced that I was on the right path to getting my dream job and then something old, something stupid from my past, snuck up on me and at the moment I feel like it's going to cost me the job. I'm heartbroken. I feel like a major set back has taken place and I have no way to remedy it. All I can do is sit and wait...but I'm pretty sure I sunk my own ship.
And then, just when I thought I was going to semi-survive it, my best friend, Steve, called... And by his phone call, he completely pulled the remaining rug from under my feet. He has cancer. And it's probably real bad. Surgery is next week, but it's not gonna be good news ... not likely. Today hit me like a bus ... Steve's illness brought back these deep emotions and the deep pain I felt when Sparky was diagnosed with cancer. And again, this disease is trying to claim someone who is incredibly important to me, and who is LEAST deserving of all this. And again, part of me feels like "why him?, why not ME?"
I want to crawl under the covers and stay there for a month. I want to just check out and let life pass me by for a while. The pink cloud I was on for a little while has disappeared and again I feel I'm staring into a big black hole. It's days like these that make me long for those moments when I would get down on the floor with Sparky and bury my face in his fur and tell him about my rotten day and why I was upset. And sure enough, he always made everything better ...
Such a nice picture of you guys. Aren't we all so lucky to have shared our lives with such great companions? Whenever I look at pic of me and my girl I am there with her again in that very moment. That is love for you.
ReplyDeleteThe. Most. Important. Thing.
All the other stuff comes and goes in life and eventually gets filed away. Keep the faith. As you know the difficult times evolve into the easier times. That probably doesn't help any but just to let you know an e-pal is out there listening.
xo
It does seem like, just when you feel you're getting everything on track, something smacks you in the forehead to assure you that that's not the case.
ReplyDeleteThose feelings of flashback and dread, when you heard the news from Steve, are normal. Joe was already in his battle when I learned one of my closest friends was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, literally one week after her sister had also been diagnosed. Here we are, though, a year later and both of them are through their treatments on on the back-side of that battle. Just remember that the "C" word doesn't take away all hope. I'll be saying prayers for your friend, his physicians, family and friends...
I hope the job issues work out and, if they don't, it may not be the job that you're supposed to be in, at this moment of your life. I know I hate it when people give me "pie in the sky" advice but, more often than not, it turns out to be the truth.
Keep your chin up! (hugs)
When Indiana was in her final days, I felt as though there were actually physical demons hiding in the corners watching and waiting. Knowing that once my protector was gone they'd have a chance to get at me.
ReplyDeleteWhen Indiana died, I again felt as though the demons, grinning ear to ear, circled me and were ready to consume.
If it weren't for the fact that Indiana carried me through so much darkness I may have let them. Instead, I wanted to keep fighting in her honor. Not that it was easy, but it was a reason to fight and not let the darkness swallow me.
Also, I do believe in God, and know that Indiana was placed into my life for a specific reason. And on top of every thing else she did for me, she was my constant reminder that God loved me and the fates were protecting me. After she died, and I wasn't dealing well, someone told me that just because the vessel (Indiana) was gone, doesn't mean the love is gone, or that the protection has stopped.
It's hard to switch those gears, and things always go wrong when your on the right path.
A fictional character, Isabel Dalhousie (From "Friends, Lovers, Chocolates") argues that good people are exciting.
She states the following:
"It was hard to make goodness – and good people – sound interesting. Yet the good were worthy of note, of course, because they battled and that battle was a great story, whereas the evil were evil because of moral laziness, or weakness, and that was ultimately a dull and uninteresting affair."
Keep fighting the good fight, and know that Sparky (and God) are right there beside you.