How to Obtain A Cookie ... according to Sparky

How to Obtain A Cookie

Step 1. Look famished!

Step 2. If famished doesn't work - look cute.

Step 3. Let the waterworks run free, i.e. drool excessively.

Step 4. Carefully take a cookie.

Step 5. Look confused. Pretend you didn't get one.

Step 6. Repeat Step 1 through 5 again.

It always works!

Changes are on the Way

Well, I'm back in town. Made it in one piece and had a blast while being gone. However, it is always nice to come back home. A couple of times I accidentally thought I would come home to Sparky, but then in a sense I did come home to him. My first step was to sit next to his spot and and bury my nose in the carpet to check whether I could still smell his feet. I could. Whenever I do that, I get bombarded by little flashbacks. I can't really describe it, but for a few split seconds, it feels like as if he is still beside me. I love that. But I don't do it very often, because I'm worried that the feeling will go away.

So my headline spoke of changes. There will be a few this year. First, my official law school graduation is this weekend. Yep, even though I already finished 6 months ago and even took the bar exam 9 weeks ago, I still have to attend my official graduation. I've never been to an American graduation. For some reason I always avoided them so far. But I thought this one was important. If not for the fact that Sparky and I had worked so hard for this.

And then next Friday is the big day. I will get my exam results at 6 pm, online, at the State Bar of CA website. Scary! I have tried to envision that day and it always ends in me getting nauseous and sick to my stomach... I'm not even kidding. I feel like my whole life is riding on this, which is probably not a good idea and way too much pressure. Yes, I am not looking forward to Friday, the 14th.

Either way, there will be a lot of changes. If I do pass, I will go and find a 'real' job, and eventually a bigger home and a needy furchild (in the form of a pug - I've made my decision). I'm excited about adding a little couch potato to my life. And finally, I do not feel as guilty anymore, or that I am cheating on Sparky. I felt like that for a long time.  Speaking of not feeling guilty: I actually managed to enjoy a day at the beach yesterday without the overwhelming feeling of grief. The beach was Sparky's favorite spot, and it nearly took me  7 months to even come near it. Yesterday I took my puppysitting gig to the beach and I had a wonderful time with a black lab girl. I'm glad that things have changed a little bit. On top of this: The other day I took a long walk through the neighborhood and I felt as if Sparky was with me whenever I hit one of our old spots ... it just felt nice. Sure, in the end I always mope, but maybe not as much as I used to  a few months ago.

In the event that I don't pass the bar on the first try, there will be unwanted change in the form of another 2 months of heavy-duty studying. This, I'd rather not talk about....

Well, it's good to be back ... I've decided to make 2010 a better year than 2009.  I will pass the bar, I will get a bigger place, a new car, and a Pug. There, you have it. The deal is sealed.

Good to be back! :)

Sparky 2005 - Moving Day

Germany Pics

My trip to Berlin has been amazing so far, and I've been to places that I haven't been to in 20 years. It's been one flashback after another ... I love it! Here are some pics in lieu of long-winded stories (which might follow later).

                             Berlin - Fernsehturm

                            A "Trabant" - an old East-German car
                           (note the Playboy Bunny on the side, lol)

                        Deutscher Dom   &  Altes Museum

                                      Ingrid - I took this pic for you :)

                            At the "Meyenburger Schloss" in Meyenburg

                                          Again - at the Schloss

               In Plau - an old city, with lots of old homes, north of Berlin

                                           
                                         Old Train Tracks

Sparky would have had such a blast here ... his big nose would have gone crazy with all the foreign smells. Hugs to you, my little angel-pup!

♫ ... Leaving on a Jet Plane ... ♫

I'm really looking forward to this trip. It's long and it's far away from everything that's caused me so much heart ache last year. My gosh it will feel so good. I just need to clear out those cob webs in my head --- and well, if Sparks is coming with me on this trip in spirit, I'll make sure I'll be indulging him as much as possible by visiting sausage shops as often as possible. 

Speaking of indulging and sausage: Am I the only one who still buys hot dogs and cheddar cheese bits, purely out of habit, because I'm so used to living with a mooch? And whenever I do grab a hot dog out of the fridge, I usually announce "Look what Mommy's eating".  ---> Dorky, but therapeutic -- at least for me :o)

Good bye my little e-friends ... I will be sure to check in and will post pics whenever possible.

Auf Wiedersehen.
Hugs.

Seven Months

I can't believe it's been 7 months. It seems odd to be here without my trusted little sidekick.  8 months ago I would have never anticipated being alone again. I love that I can still remember the feel of his fur, or his nose, or his feet or tail. Or all those little bumps and lumps he was getting in the last year. I think I could still pinpoint their exact locations today.

These days I often think about something that I read a few months ago. The person said "we are their heaven", "they stay with us because they love us and they feel comfortable around us". I know the topic isn't widely accepted and I was one of its biggest skeptics, but it's something that has kept me sane throughout the grieving process. I feel better knowing, or rather believing, that I don't walk alone. If I step out of the door, I feel comforted by the thought that Sparkers is still walking beside me, even if just in spirit. It's something that helps me heal. And if it's true, he's gonna get the experience of a lifetime next week, because I decided to go to Germany for a month. It'll be good to be away from everything and to be spoiled by family. I think it'll help clear my head. And when I get back, I would like to start actively looking for another fur child to join me in my adventures. I think I am ready. And I'm pretty sure that Sparky would approve. After all, he knows he's my little top dog, and no one ever will take his place.

Trudging Alone

I took a little mini vacation over the weekend to unwind from the bar exam and see some old friends, including someone I had only met because of Sparky's illness; a dear friend, who has been following this blog and whose pup passed away not long ago due to the same disease - CANCER. I hate this disease - it took the joy out of my life; it took my little boy, Sparky. I figured that spending all this time alone after the bar exam, with nothing to study for, and not even a job (pending results) would give me plenty of time to mourn the loss of my sweetheart. I dreaded this time.

Previously, there were many moments, when I felt Sparky still closely connected to me, but lately, this feeling has faded and I miss him even more. I often would sit on my bed and suddenly get a faint waft of his fur. We also had a song that used to pop up on the radio all the time after his passing. And of course there were other instances when I just felt like Sparks was sitting close by, keeping an eye on me. It's been difficult not having many of these experiences anymore. I miss him just as much as I did when he first left.

Today I decided to walk down to the beach for the first time in months. Our beach. The beach where Sparky would end up romping around half the afternoon, meeting new friends and sniffing a gazillion different doggy butts. At first it felt okay and I was glad that I went, but when I got closer to 'our spots' it just became more and more apparent that I was walking alone now... I saw a few doggy parents and their mutts, but it just made the matter worse. In the end I spent time building a little memorial, which surely will be washed away by the waves tonight, but in some way it allows me to believe that Sparky will get my little message and that I haven't forgotten him in all these months and I still wish I could kiss his sweet face one last time.

It's really not easy walking alone ....

I miss you honey ... so, so much!

(Last trip to the beach, July 2009)

Six months and a Bar Exam later ...

I'm back!

It's been 2 months, and I just finished the bar. Thank goodness. What a long drawn out process and I missed everyone's blogs here. I'm still a little shell-shocked from all the bar exam "excitement" but I wanted to check back in.

I was digging through some old pictures again, looking for some gems. I truly wished I had taken more photos of Sparky, but I guess it would never be enough anyhow. I can't believe it has been 6 months now. Some days it feels like he was just here yesterday... But, I'm excited to be back and can't wait to read everyone's blog updates! :)

More later ...

 

This always cracked me up. In the 'old days', Sparky  would

be chasing lizards all morning long, circling the wood stack like

a mad dog.

Merry Christmas Sweet Pup - 4 Months

Today is Christmas Eve. It also represents the 4-month mark of Sparky's passing.  Needless to say, it's been tough this holiday season and one of the main reason for me not posting as much as I used to. I almost want to say "Nice going Sparky!" with a little smile on my face.  Sparky was good at getting right into your face if he wanted something, especially if it was about him getting more attention. Having an 'anniversary' on Christmas Eve is something that is definitely Sparky-ish. He was a smart boy. I know that this is a difficult time not just for me, but all of us who've lost our pups in recent months/years. Christmas used to be a time when I would go crazy with doggy toys and Christmas decorations. Sparky would always be in awe about the Christmas tree, looking at all the twinkly lights and probably contemplating whether it was worth getting in trouble for pulling down an ornament and running off with it ... This year I decided not to celebrate and I'm fine with it.

The other reason I have been neglecting this blog is because I've been preparing for the February Bar Exam, and most likely, I'll be disappearing again for another 2 months. But before I do, I wanted wish you all a peaceful Christmas, and hopefully a wonderful New Year.

 2008

2007

 

 2006

 

 

2003

Merry Christmas Sparky.
Mommy misses you.

3 Months - Yesterday

I meant to update this blog yesterday,  to officially acknowledge Sparky's 3 month anniversary of his ... passing. I didn't and now I feel guilty. It wasn't that I failed to think about it, I just didn't know what to write this time. Sometimes it's hard to fake it. So instead of trying to come up with something witty or cute, I'll just close with one of our last pictures ... I miss you Sparkers - so much.

Rest in Peace, Puppyface.

Mutt Manipulation

Sparky had a subtle way to let me know when things were borderline unacceptable to him. I believe this picture was taken while I was on break from law school. I think I had a total of 3 weeks off, but with pre-semester prep, that time was cut down to about two weeks. I remember that day I dared to lounge on my bed, watching TV, rather than being out and about with El Pooch. Don't get me wrong, by that time, he had been outside for a walk at least  2 or 3 times, but nevertheless, good was not good enough. Not when there were plenty of hugs and kisses that could have been given instead. Gosh, I loved this pooch.  So he would sit by my bed, quietly, and he would stare me down, literally. I would try to ignore him, showing off my "alpha-dog powers", but in the end, the needy pup would always win.

 

Another amazing Sparky-feature was his nose. It was big and juicy. And it had a freckle on top, one that would grow larger and larger with age. His nose was the culprit for his constant battle of the bulge. I always wished he had a little bit more self-control ... especially when it came to my dinner plate. I don't remember many times when I was able to eat my own plate without having that big, black nose nudging me, nudging the table, or the plate itself. And when I gave him a stern No(!), he would momentarily go shy on me, bow his head, lower his ears, and look off to the side ... but only for a few seconds before he would look back up to me, waiting for me to crack a smile. My vet used to tell me that he was a  little manipulator and couldn't be trusted when he had zero-ed in on something he wanted... mostly food.

There are so many Sparky tales that I hope to remember and memorialize in this blog. Dogs like Sparky, who have the patience of a saint, proven by the fact that he was living with my neurotic self, shouldn't be forgotten. I guess over the last few months I've been struggling with the fact that many people indeed were ready to forget... I think he was my little counter part, my side kick, my 'better' half ... Wherever I went, a story and a picture of Sparks went as well. When Sparky passed, so did the stories and the pictures, and a little part of myself ... Time heals all, I know ... some things just take a little longer, especially when they were as amazing as my Sparky.

Setbacks

There have been a lot more bad days than good days lately. At this point, I'm wondering when the big lump in my throat will finally disappear, or it becomes easier to go home to an empty house at night. The evenings have been the worst. It's been 10 weeks and  there's still that big, gaping hole in my heart.

I miss you Sparky....

I always loved taking him in for a hair cut. This one was one of

the more ridiculous ones. Good times.

Two Months

It's been two long months since Sparks has left. I've been sitting here today, thinking about it all, and realizing that even though time has brought a little bit of comfort, not much has changed at all. While the frequency with which I am reminded of his loss has lessened, the intense grief, when I do remember, is still there.

I just miss him so much... I wish I never had to let him go.

Cows and Licks

I was driving by a big, juicy, grassy area today and I had to think about Sparks. He was definitely excited whenever I let him loose on our neighbor's patch of grass. He would roll around, rub his snout, grunt and snort, bite into it, scoot across it face first ... He was ecstatic! Eventually he would just stand there like a little cow and he would graze ... and graze ... and graaaaaaaaaaaaze. Every morning the same routine, with me ending up promising a big meaty breakfast if he'd kick it into next gear. I miss those little moments of just 'us'.


There are quite a few friends in my life right now, who are going through tough times with their pups. I want you all to know that I think about you daily, and that I do pray for you all and wish you the best. There's nothing worse than feeling helpless when your fur child is suffering and you're not able to help. Above all, there's nothing worse than trying to figure out when their quality of life has decreased to a point that life in general has become meaningless to your sweetheart. I found this website to be extremely helpful in making an informed decision...

http://www.caninecancer.com/endoflife.html

We always wonder whether our furbabies will give us a sign when they are 'ready', and I think most of them will. But it depends whether we want to see those signs and acknowledge them. For me it was important to not listen to my heart (which was screaming at me to continue to hang on) but to listen to my head, and be rational, and most of all, be compassionate.

During Sparky's last few days, there was an improvement at one point and I eagerly called my girlfriend to tell her that Sparks was fighting back. She had the compassion and the insight to tell me that he would never get better, that things were only going to get worse. For some reason, as intelligent as I thought I was, this had to be pointed out to me ... I don't know how I had missed it up to that point. The day he passed away, after a long weekend of not being himself, he came over to where I was sitting, and for the first time in 3 days he was 'present' and he licked my cheek, as if he wanted to lick away all those tears and tell me that it was okay - that he was ready to go, and that I would be okay without him... Oftentimes I think about this moment and I think how big it was of him to do this, and how very wise and so much more mature than I could have ever been.

I truly think they do give us a sign, and all we have to do is listen ...

To Poop or Not to Poop...

I remembered one of Sparky's little quirks the other day and I wanted to share it, even though it may be entirely disgusting to a dogless person.

Sparkers had a way about him that was just priceless. He had a habit of doing a little post-poop dance, almost like the NFL players when they score a touchdown. It always made me crack up. This little dance was also very useful if, for example, I'd be out in the yard doing stuff and Sparks would roam around on his own. The minute I'd see him bouncing around, and hopping towards me, mouth wide open into a big goofy smile, I knew exactly what had transpired. And so I would go off on my little "Treasure Hunt" making sure he didn't end up fertilizing the neighbors lawn again. He also was a very modest dog. If we were walking together on the street and the mood struck him, he would gracefully excuse himself behind a bush or tree and do his business there. Always out of sight. I think it had to do with stage fright. :D

Sparky was such a unique dog. He was so lovable, so goofy, soooo incredibly well-mannered, and sooooo needy, but sweet. I loved every minute of every day with him. I know I've said this before, but since his passing, things haven't been the same. I miss my Sparky-induced moods ... I'm back to my serious self. Life is just so much more complicated without my boy ... I miss his antics... I miss everything.

Sleep tight Puppyface.

Clippers and Things

I've made some "official" progress. I've been able to actually take Sparky's bed away, and I was able to give away his doggy ramp. Both things were incredibly difficult, and both things broke my heart a little bit. But I know it's the beginning of my healing. Most of his other stuff is still here though, locked away in the closet, to be kept for later when it hurts less to look at it.

One of the items locked away are his clippers. There are so many funny stories revolving around those clippers. When I first got Sparky he came with a big, thick Newfie-coat. Because he was so incredibly matted and stinky from the previous, neglectful owner, I had him shaved professionally. It was at that time that I noticed that our little furry friends are able to feel embarrassment. Hah! When he came back from the groomers, he didn't want to get out of the car. He was embarrassed and I could clearly tell. As a matter of fact, I had to drag him out and he immediately disappeared in the house where he would stay for two days, only coming out once in a while to do his business. By losing his coat he had shrunk about 2 sizes and I think he felt less of an alpha dog and more like a toy poodle. He was obviously upset with me and I knew then that my baby held a grudge. The trauma usually didn't last longer than 2 days, and by day 3 he was truly appreciative of all the weight lifted off him.

Anyway, the next time grooming was in order, I figured I could do it myself instead of spending 100 bucks each time. The result you see in the picture above. There were holes and missing patches of fur everywhere, but Sparky was a trooper and I think by posing for this picture he tried to make the best out of it.

I miss this goofball so much.