It's been two weeks, one day, and 6 hours since my sweetheart left. I still don't quite know how I am feeling, or whether I am dealing with things appropriately. I'm still confused. And I still have that huge hole left in my heart.
But I do notice some improvement. Since bringing his ashes home, I am feeling more at peace. Having him here has given me some closure. Or maybe it's because I feel more connected than before, while he was gone... I know it sounds ridiculous, and I never was a big believer myself, but I do feel his presence sometimes. Not very clearly, but little things happen once in a while, that make me smile, that suddenly remind me of him. For example, I have talked about fur popping up where I least expect it. And today, I was walking in my office building and suddenly I could smell him so strongly that it made me stop dead in my tracks and look up and all around to locate the cause of the scent. It was strange, but I loved it, and it made me smile.
I need to take time to really feel my loss at the moment. The easy way out would be to go and get a new dog. But of course there could never be a replacement. I certainly have looked already. Not so much because I thought I could replace him, but rather because I wanted the distraction, just a little break from the emptiness. But I know that deep down I am not ready.
Anyway, I am dealing with things, and they have gotten a little easier. I understand what was happening in his last month. I understand that it was his time to go and that he gave me everything he could, including bonus time. I know that he only stuck around because of me, and a little part of me feels guilty for having wanted him to continue to hang on. The only doubt I have is whether he really knew how much he meant to me; whether he really felt just how important he was to me. I hope he did. He never was just a pet. We were team-mates, partners in crime, soulmates. There are no words that could describe the love I had for my little boy... . He was everything in my life. I wish I could tell him just one more time how much I loved him.
Mareike,
ReplyDeleteI so understand the feelings & emotions that are swirling around you at this time. You have described them well. Maybe you are at the point of finding it hard to believe that you could ever stop crying (for a little while)about your loss. I remember noticing that myself when I would have those moments of pause 'without' tears.
I also remember waking up sometimes in the middle of the night because I was sure, SURE, that I heard Cowgirl breathing. I would have to turn on the light to check that maybe her death was all just a bad dream. Sadly, of course it was just a bad reality.
It has been 8 months since she died and I still see her and feel her all the time. It is really nice and I am sure I will always carry her with me. My baby girl. There never will be a 'replacement' but I am now ready for another love. I never, ever thought that day would come but it has.
Like you, it is a process and we all move through it at our own pace. I say, follow your heart on this one with Sparky by your side. He's there because he never doubted your devotion...you should believe that.
xo gina
Mareike,
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't personally know you and never had the pleasure to meet your sweet Sparky, I am overwhelmed with sadness and tears for you. I can "hear" the pain in your blog and feel so badly that you are going through this. I have never understood why dogs are only on earth for such a short amount of time and plan to take that up with my "higher up" when we meet. It's simply not fair. My Bailey girl is going through HSA right now and I can't bare the thought of losing her. She too, is my soulmate and the most precious thing that has ever touched my life.
One thing is for sure, do not doubt for one second that Sparky was/is not aware of your deep love. I'm absolutely certain that he knew how much he meant to you. I guarantee that he loved you back completely and that you were his soulmate as well.
I wish you all the best as you heal from this unthinkable time. I know it will be rough, but hope that you can lean on close friends and the warm presence of Sparky to help you get through.
Take care,
Bridget
Mareike,
ReplyDeleteHi - it's me again. I just realized I had comments on my Bailey Blog from the past week including a few notes from you! So sorry I missed them earlier. That being said, disregard how I mention on my comment to you that my Bailey girl has cancer as well. You obviously know that and I'm apparently technically challenged. :)
Anyway, I've been thinking about you and hope that you are doing ok. Whatever emotions you are feeling (sadness, anger, disbelief, etc) are to be expected. So if you need to beat up your pillow, cry into it or use it to snuggle next to Sparky's favorite spot - go for it. I have no doubt you were a fabulous doggie mom and Sparky will always love you for that.
BTW - the day Bailey was diagnosed with HSA, I had taken a picture of a garden bench that said, "If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever." - While at the time I did not know Bailey was about to fall seriously ill, I took a picture of the bench thinking of my two girls...knowing one day they would pass and that I would want something made with that saying. Perhaps you will find peace in those simple bench words as well.
All my best,
Bridget
Thank you to the both of you. Again, I always appreciate everyone's support. It's so sad that our pain and grief is what brings us together.
ReplyDeleteFor you Bridget, I hope that you get to spend many more moments with your Bailey. I think about you two daily, because I relate to your feelings so well. I was just there, a month ago. Sadly, I was unaware how bad his situation was ... I didn't find out till 3 days before his passing that there was absolutely no chance for him ... I guess I should be happy that I didn't know for that last month ... Anyway, I know I snuck in some comments on your blog and I assumed you were unaware they were left. It's okay. I enjoy reading your blog, and I enjoy seeing Bailey's pics and vids. They make me smile.
I love those words that you found on the bench. I will definitely cherish them and hold them close to my heart ...
Hi, Marieke...when I read "I wish I could tell him just one more time how much I loved him" on this post, my immediate thought was...you just did tell him. He knows you love him and that you always will...
ReplyDeleteHello Marieke,
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way about Indiana. I wondered if she really REALLY know how much she meant to me, and all of us. How much everyone around me appreciated her existence in my life because they all recognized her purpose and meaning in my life. Did she know? Did I give her a good enough life? Was she upset we had to leave our own home and share a home with others? Was she upset I had a job far away and took hours away from our days.
The list went on and on and on. Did I do enough, did I love enough, and did she know?
But when I think of so many moments, so many things she did, so many habits she had that emerged from our relationship and love. . . .clearly she knew. The whole rest of the world knew, how could she not?!
I'm sure Sparky and you are the same. How could he not have known?
How could he not?
Watch out for doubt; its subtle invasion can be like poison. Focus on the wonderful moments with Sparky, past AND present!