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I finally was able to go and get his ashes. Since I got the call last Monday I could do nothing but think about it. People told me to wait if I wasn't ready. I know I wasn't quite ready yet, but to leave him there was even worse. I was hoping it would give me closure.

I left work early because I've officially entered the anger stage of grief. I caught myself getting snippy with the receptionist, and that wasn't a good sign. My boss was, as always, fully supportive of me. So I drove straight to the vet. On my way there I was reminded of that last drive we took together and it brought tears to my eyes. I felt my hand reaching down next to me, where he had sat on his very last day and so many times before.

When I arrived at the vet, I assumed I would be able to at least tell them why I was there, but I couldn't even do that. It was just a tough task to do, but we figured it out. He's in a light wooden box now. It's heavy, much heavier than I anticipated, but then I never had anyone cremated before. Still, it was good to have him back with me.

On the way home I placed 'him' where he sat that very last day, right next to my lap. My hand was draped over the wooden box, just like I had it draped over his head 9 days ago. I did feel a little bit relief having him by my side, even if he was in a different form.

I found a nice spot right where he used to lie in front of the TV. I placed a couple pictures there and a vase of white roses. The roses where given to me yesterday. I had arrived in class and on my table, these beautiful roses were left for me. They were sent to me by one of my previous professors, because she had found out through the grapevine that my Sparky had passed, and that he had been an amazing companion and my little souldog. I have talked to this professor maybe once in two years. It was such a beautiful gesture and while it brought quite a bit of happiness that moment, it also brought sorrow because I would have loved to share this moment with Sparky. It made me so proud to be his mom. He was such a wonderful dog, such a lover, and everyone he's ever met, he's touched so deeply in their heart.

I miss you sweetheart!