Tomorrow my puppysitting gig will start. I'll be keeping company to a 6 month old Boston Terrier. I'm really looking forward to it, but it's also pretty scary. I'm afraid that spending so much time with another dog might backfire on me emotionally, but then I can't really say that I am necessarily stable at the moment. Things change a lot. What used to be easy before, such as watching old Sparky-Videos or looking at his pictures, has become extremely difficult. The time that I would spend during the day not thinking about my boy, has been replaced with that dreaded feeling of emptiness. It used to be easy to be in denial, but it really is not anymore. It's almost as if reality gave me an initial break with my emotional pain, but it's now doubling up for sure. It's just so hard. I don't want to sound like a broken record, and eventually I want to turn this blog into something useful for other dog parents, but right now I can do nothing but cry about him, and about our time together.
My head's not right. I've noticed that. I don't know why suddenly I feel I made many mistakes. I keep thinking about the few times that I had to discipline my little boy, and I'm riddled with guilt. I think about those times that I had to work so much, and my heart sinks. I feel so much guilt. I wish I could have given him more, and I wish 2 years ago, when we first found out about a tumor in his lung, that I would have had unlimited access to cash. I don't know whether it would have helped, but I wish things would have been different. I just feel like I haven't done enough. God, I still miss him so much.
Anyway, I have to keep my head above water. I'm going to try to enjoy my 3 days with Charlie, the Boston Terrorist. I'm pretty sure he'll keep me on my toes. He is a spoiled little bugger, but I think that's exactly what I need right now.
Oh, Marieke...everything you're feeling is so normal and natural. When my boy, Zip, was ill...I spent thousands (really, like put a new wing on MSU's Vet School) and he suffered a relapsed two weeks later. I knew, in my brain, that I had to let him go but, honestly, I beat myself up, for almost two years, for not having unlimited funds to save him. The fact, which I know understand, but still don't like, is that there wasn't enough money, in the world, to save him. Don't beat yourself up...Sparky wouldn't want you to do that.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're at the right place in your life, you'll made a new furry addition to your life; maybe this blog can morph into your adapting to each other, learning about each other, etc., sort of as an on-going tribute to the love you and Sparky share.
I'm sure that you'll have a wonderful time with Charlie (love the "Boston Terrorist!) and enjoy your other doggie sitting gigs. No one will ever replace Sparky in your heart or life, don't feel that you have to rush through your feelings.
Hi Mareike,
ReplyDeleteThat is a really nice picture of Sparky in the swim of things.
Sorry that you are feeling so blue and so sad. It is such a trial by fire getting through
this difficult process. But you will move through it and part of moving through it, is questioning yourself. I think I can safely say that we all have done it to some degree. It keeps coming back to the same thing, though, and that is that, it was their time to go. In time acceptance of that fact will bring you a bit of peace.
I hope you go easier on yourself as the days pass. Perhaps you should remember that Sparky thought you were the greatest part of his life (I am pretty sure I can say that)...well maybe next to food!
xo gina
Hey there. i told you to watch out for doubt. : )
ReplyDeleteDoubt comes in guise of guilt sometimes. I'm not saying you shouldn't have those feelings, in fact I still have them myself. But they'll consume you and no negative feeling is worth losing your life (or love) over. It's hard, it's really hard. A lot of us fell into that oh so familiar pit of despair; that overwhelming emptiness.
Keep in mind you still have a rope to hold onto. You may not be able to pull yourself out for quite a while, but never let go of that rope.
Never let go of your awesome memories (like this amazing photo) never let go of your golden moments with Sparky, never let go of the love. It's a painful and awkward transition going from the worldly / physical presence of love to this strange new internal presence of love.
But its just as real. Hold on to that, hold on to your rope, hold on to Sparky's love, not your doubt and guilt.
Maybe one day you'll have strength enough to pull your self out, but no rush, no rush at all.
Did I mention how awesome that photo is?!!??!!
Mareike, I'm in a similar situation with my dog, Bailey. How did you decide to commit to the neo rather than to just enjoy and spoil him with whatever time he had left. I am worried that I may cause him pain and suffering or even his death with any neo complications. Help!
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI decided on Neoplasene because I had nothing else left. He was 15 and had suffered IMHA 2 years prior, a very dangerous autoimmune disease - so chemo and radiation was out of the question. And even if his immune system was up for it, at 15 it just seemed like a cruel thing to do, because he also suffered from bad arthritis and I just didn't want him to make this much more uncomfortable. Also, the holistic vet had had great results with Neoplasene - not curing it, but keeping the cancer at bay. Sadly, my regular vet had failed to mention how bad Sparky's cancer really was. I think, because of the years with her, she knew how much Sparky meant to me and that he was my little souldog. When the holistic vet finally asked to see the xray of his chest (she is also a regular vet), she knew immediately that Sparky stood no chance. She herself, kept it from me for another week, because she too knew how much I loved my boy. When things went downhill 3 days prior to his passing, she called me and told me that he just never stood a chance, that his entire chest was full of tumors, including his heart. She said Neoplasene, while she thought it was a great drug, just could have never saved him, and he should have been already dead. She felt that he stuck around for me ...
Sorry, for the long story ... basically, my vet really believed in it, because she had dogs who made it up to 18 months with the Neo. We had also added a bunch of other good herbs, things that would stabilize his immune systeme, etc. The cancer diet really gave him extra strength for the initial 3 weeks after diagnosis. Basically, I just had hope, because Sparky had beat the IMHA and the tumor in his lung was diagnosed 2 years prior, so I thought he was just a very lucky fighter-pup. Also, it was not very difficult to feed him the Neo. Some dogs gets upset tummies, but Sparky was a trooper. He didnt like it, but he ate it, and I spoiled him with all kinds of other treats all throughout the day to make up for it. He was a big foodie, all the way till the end ... pretty much. The minute I heard that he was really sick, I stopped the Neo and all other meds... except of course the Arthritis stuff. There is stuff out there to deal with the nausea ( I believe it's Reglan) that Neo may cause. I used to feed him the Neo with cottage cheese and sardines (to mask the smell) and then gave him a full meal of yummy stuff and he was fine. I haven't personally heard of pets dying from Neo, but I did read that there could be complications. You have to keep a close eye on him the first couple days... I think the topical stuff, the salve, is pretty heavy duty and scary, but the oral stuff can be administered in smaller dosages, and it's not graphic like the topical stuff. The oral stuff inhibits the cancer cell growth ...
I think in the end, it's really up to do. If you feel it's not for him, then don't do it. You know your pup, and you know what he's willing to do (probably does it for you anyway). I knew that Sparky loved me back so intensely, that I was sure he wanted to fight if it bought him more time. We were basically joined at the hip, we were a team, we were always together. That's why I did it. I don't regret giving it a shot. I think you need to sit down with your Bailey, have a "one on one" and I think he'll be able to 'tell' you whether he's up for it or not...
I am so sorry you are going through the same thing. I hope and pray that your baby will give you plenty more time. You will know what the right thing is. Sure I could have tried chemo, but I knew that he wouldn't have wanted it ... so we settled for a little less.
Lots of hugs, please keep me informed.