Good News ...

... I can't go into it right now, but it looks like Steve got some great news today! Yay! There may have been a mix-up/misunderstanding in his case ... so hang tight. But for right now, Steve's not going anywhere. He still has the disease, but probably not to the extent that we thought he did ... YAY.

One Year Ago ...

I don't like opening my posts with bad news. I don't like sounding like a whiner all the time, but I assume, those of you who come here to read it, understand it and don't mind it.

One year ago to the day my little sweetheart Sparky was diagnosed with cancer. They gave him 2 months. He only made it 34 days. Today, on the same day, my best friend Steve got his bad news. The melanoma has  spread to his lymph nodes. The prognosis is less than 5 years, and that's without knowing the extent of it. He has to see an oncologist, he has to do more tests, and he has to do some sort of body scan in order to find out what exactly is going on. And even then, you can never be sure. My bf, who happens to be a doctor, told me that most of his patients in Steve's shoes have a less than 50/50 chance to make it past 5 years. I am so incredibly heart broken. It's as everything that happened last year is repeating itself. And I'm so scared. I'm horrible in dealing with these things. And I want to be his best friend as always, I just know that there's a chance that my fear of the unknown will let him down ... I can't believe this is happening again. 2 of the most important people in my life -- both affected by the same dreadful disease -- both not deserving of any of it... I just don't get it.

I did something last night I haven't done in a while. I sat down by Sparky's old spot, took a little sniff at the carpet (and yep, it still smell's like Fritos Feet there) and 'talked' to him about life and stuff. I think my subconscious was already preparing me for this day. I've been moping around for nearly 3 days now and for no real reason. So I'll probably sit back down by his spot tonight and talk some more, hoping that maybe 'someone' will listen and that Steve will get another chance ...

Steve and I at my law school graduation. Hugs, big guy!

Good News

Good News, People!

Well, I don't want to get ahead of myself and start acquiring a whole set of new expectations, but I did get an email last Thursday from the "people who hold my future in their hands". They informed me that I met their 'hiring standards' and that I was still in the running for a job that 270 people applied to. I am HAPPY. Honestly, if I get this job, I will be floored ... I almost don't think I will, but hey, knowing that I am not tossed out in the first round is nice to know and gave me a little dash of extra hope.

Well, and then my best buddy Steve has his procedure done this coming Thursday. They are removing quite a bit of his calf. The doctor compared it to a shark-bite procedure. After that, there will be a bunch of testing (and praying) that nothing has spread to lymph nodes or other parts of the body. Steve has always been one of the most optimistic persons I know. I think this trait will be helpful in his recovery process.

Other than that, I went on a little road trip with the BF yesterday and took pics. I saw a bunch of cows grazing on fields and it reminded me of how excited Sparky would get during our little trips. Whenever he saw cows,  he would stand up in his seat and start pacing and whimpering, begging to be let out. He LOOOVVVVEEEEDDDD cows. I knew he would have had a ball. When I finally got home and uploaded my pics, I noticed two pics had a rainbow image on them. At the time I took the pics, there were no rainbows any where ... but part of my likes to believe that whenever there's a rainbow, Sparks is not far behind.

I love you, puppy ... and I miss you.

Revisiting the Past

I knew, eventually the other shoe would drop ... and it sure as heck did today.

I don't even know where to start, but I feel someone burst my bubble today. I have been so convinced that I was on the right path to getting my dream job and then something old, something stupid from my past, snuck up on me and at the moment I feel like it's going to cost me the job. I'm heartbroken. I feel like a major set back has taken place and I have no way to remedy it. All I can do is sit and wait...but I'm pretty sure I sunk my own ship.

And then, just when I thought I was going to semi-survive it, my best friend, Steve, called... And by his phone call, he completely pulled the remaining rug from under my feet. He has cancer. And it's probably real bad. Surgery is next week, but it's not gonna be good news ... not likely. Today hit me like a bus ... Steve's illness brought back these deep emotions and the deep pain I felt when Sparky was diagnosed with cancer. And again, this disease is trying to claim someone who is incredibly important to me, and who is LEAST deserving of all this. And again, part of me feels like "why him?, why not ME?" 

I want to crawl under the covers and stay there for a month. I want to just check out and let life pass me by for a while. The pink cloud I was on for a little while has disappeared and again I feel I'm staring into a big black hole. It's days like these that make me long for those moments when I would get down on the floor with Sparky and bury my face in his fur and tell him about my rotten day and why I was upset. And sure enough, he always made everything better ...

Getting through all the "Firsts"

I've been dealing with a lot of firsts still; firsts that should have been acknowledged much sooner, but I was too busy keeping it together for the bar. As I'm writing this a big knot is building in my throat, and the emptiness I feel when I think about what an amazing friend I lost returns ten-fold. I miss him. I miss him so much still! I celebrated my birthday last Monday, and it wasn't the same. Normally, I would have packed up Sparky and spent the day going to doggy parks and beaches with him. This year I moped. Probably not the best idea, but it was another first without him. And so I've been checking off all the firsts off my list while this his anniversary is approaching and I believe that things will get easier after August 24. I know that the sadness will never really go away, but I'm also so grateful for having been able to get little 'doses' of Sparky in the last 10 months; be it in form of stray hairs that are still landing on my bed when I sit down at night, or be it in form of the faint smell of his feet that still seems to transcend from his favorite spot in front of the TV, even after nearly 10 months. 

Through all the good times lately, in the back of mind, Sparky is ever present and I miss him every day so very much. I'm convinced that without Sparky keeping an eye on me, I probably wouldn't have made it this far in the last 10 months. More amazingly is the fact that I was able to keep it together as much as I did. I look back and I can truly say that 2009 was the most painful year of my life. I'm trying to think back to any other time in my life that could match the heart ache of 2009, but there is none.  Surprisingly, I also feel that during the last few months of 2009, after Sparky passed, I felt the most strength and comfort. I was not comfortable, but I felt that someone was watching out for me. Anyone who knows me, knows that Sparky was the highlight of my existence. There was nothing that was anywhere near as important as my little boy was. I dreaded the day that he would leave me because I knew that I would crumble and fall apart. When Sparky passed on August 24, it was as if he knew that that day was the 'most right' day possible. It is eerie how this day was picked by him. It was the day after my break from Summer classes ended, it was the day that my boss came back from a long vacation, it was the beginning of what would be the end-spurt of my law school career - a time that had me spinning in  my heels because of the insane of amount of work I still had to do before I could take the bar exam. Sparky picked that time. I know that he did. In a sense he saved me with his last selfless act. And I know that the following months he was close by my side, I could always feel him. I always felt guilty, and still do, for not having been able to help him. I would have given anything to save him...

I miss you Sparks.

I PASSED ...

THE CALIFORNIA BAR EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woohoo!
Luv y'all ... Miss you my little souldog Sparky, this one was all for you :)

Four Hours To Go ...

This waiting game is maddening and I've reached my limit ... At this point, I will do anything!

Tomorrow = Bar Results

I have done nothing but behaved like a medium-sized basket case these last few days. Why? Well, as the title of this post suggests: BAR RESULTS are coming out tomorrow at 6 pm PDT.

I've been trying to do some fair amount of bargaining in the last few days. Something like: I will never do such-and-such again, if I pass. I will always do this, that, and the other, if I pass ... bla bla bla.

And then of course there's the occasional thought that maybe Sparky-baby has some pull 'up there' and lets them know that I am a pretty decent dog mom, who would like to pass the first time around so that she can adopt a couple more fur babies ....

Yeah, I've done nothing but think about these things, eat a bunch of junk, let out the occasional (okay, more than occasional) whine ... and pray. Previously I mentioned that there was a 50% pass rate, but that was a mistake. That's the pass rate for the Summer Bar ... the Winter Bar (the one I took) has a pass rate of 33% ... 'nuff said ... I'd appreciate any finger crossing on my behalf, and if your furbabies could join with a couple of toes, that would be greatly appreciated as well.

I'm gonna return to my semi-paranoid state, continue eating junk, and hopefully will have some decent news tomorrow evening ... Stay tuned.

Graduation

Yesterday was the big day - Official Law School Graduation. It was a wonderfully amazing day. For some reason, it never really dawned on me what I had accomplished. It took the dean of the school and a judge to tell me to take a step back and reflect. What a proud moment. During the ceremony, my mind wandered over to my little faithful friend, my little souldog who left me nearly 9 months ago. I wish we could have celebrated this day together, after all, I always told him it was all for him, so that I could send him to a better school and buy him nice things ;) Yes, I missed him last night...

But regardless, it was an wonderful day, something I won't forget for a long time to come, if ever. Pretty sure that my boy is proudly watching me from the 'other side' and wishing me a happy Mothers Day ...

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO EVERYONE! May your furbabies bring you a bunch of joy today!

How to Obtain A Cookie ... according to Sparky

How to Obtain A Cookie

Step 1. Look famished!

Step 2. If famished doesn't work - look cute.

Step 3. Let the waterworks run free, i.e. drool excessively.

Step 4. Carefully take a cookie.

Step 5. Look confused. Pretend you didn't get one.

Step 6. Repeat Step 1 through 5 again.

It always works!

Changes are on the Way

Well, I'm back in town. Made it in one piece and had a blast while being gone. However, it is always nice to come back home. A couple of times I accidentally thought I would come home to Sparky, but then in a sense I did come home to him. My first step was to sit next to his spot and and bury my nose in the carpet to check whether I could still smell his feet. I could. Whenever I do that, I get bombarded by little flashbacks. I can't really describe it, but for a few split seconds, it feels like as if he is still beside me. I love that. But I don't do it very often, because I'm worried that the feeling will go away.

So my headline spoke of changes. There will be a few this year. First, my official law school graduation is this weekend. Yep, even though I already finished 6 months ago and even took the bar exam 9 weeks ago, I still have to attend my official graduation. I've never been to an American graduation. For some reason I always avoided them so far. But I thought this one was important. If not for the fact that Sparky and I had worked so hard for this.

And then next Friday is the big day. I will get my exam results at 6 pm, online, at the State Bar of CA website. Scary! I have tried to envision that day and it always ends in me getting nauseous and sick to my stomach... I'm not even kidding. I feel like my whole life is riding on this, which is probably not a good idea and way too much pressure. Yes, I am not looking forward to Friday, the 14th.

Either way, there will be a lot of changes. If I do pass, I will go and find a 'real' job, and eventually a bigger home and a needy furchild (in the form of a pug - I've made my decision). I'm excited about adding a little couch potato to my life. And finally, I do not feel as guilty anymore, or that I am cheating on Sparky. I felt like that for a long time.  Speaking of not feeling guilty: I actually managed to enjoy a day at the beach yesterday without the overwhelming feeling of grief. The beach was Sparky's favorite spot, and it nearly took me  7 months to even come near it. Yesterday I took my puppysitting gig to the beach and I had a wonderful time with a black lab girl. I'm glad that things have changed a little bit. On top of this: The other day I took a long walk through the neighborhood and I felt as if Sparky was with me whenever I hit one of our old spots ... it just felt nice. Sure, in the end I always mope, but maybe not as much as I used to  a few months ago.

In the event that I don't pass the bar on the first try, there will be unwanted change in the form of another 2 months of heavy-duty studying. This, I'd rather not talk about....

Well, it's good to be back ... I've decided to make 2010 a better year than 2009.  I will pass the bar, I will get a bigger place, a new car, and a Pug. There, you have it. The deal is sealed.

Good to be back! :)

Sparky 2005 - Moving Day

Germany Pics

My trip to Berlin has been amazing so far, and I've been to places that I haven't been to in 20 years. It's been one flashback after another ... I love it! Here are some pics in lieu of long-winded stories (which might follow later).

                             Berlin - Fernsehturm

                            A "Trabant" - an old East-German car
                           (note the Playboy Bunny on the side, lol)

                        Deutscher Dom   &  Altes Museum

                                      Ingrid - I took this pic for you :)

                            At the "Meyenburger Schloss" in Meyenburg

                                          Again - at the Schloss

               In Plau - an old city, with lots of old homes, north of Berlin

                                           
                                         Old Train Tracks

Sparky would have had such a blast here ... his big nose would have gone crazy with all the foreign smells. Hugs to you, my little angel-pup!

♫ ... Leaving on a Jet Plane ... ♫

I'm really looking forward to this trip. It's long and it's far away from everything that's caused me so much heart ache last year. My gosh it will feel so good. I just need to clear out those cob webs in my head --- and well, if Sparks is coming with me on this trip in spirit, I'll make sure I'll be indulging him as much as possible by visiting sausage shops as often as possible. 

Speaking of indulging and sausage: Am I the only one who still buys hot dogs and cheddar cheese bits, purely out of habit, because I'm so used to living with a mooch? And whenever I do grab a hot dog out of the fridge, I usually announce "Look what Mommy's eating".  ---> Dorky, but therapeutic -- at least for me :o)

Good bye my little e-friends ... I will be sure to check in and will post pics whenever possible.

Auf Wiedersehen.
Hugs.

Seven Months

I can't believe it's been 7 months. It seems odd to be here without my trusted little sidekick.  8 months ago I would have never anticipated being alone again. I love that I can still remember the feel of his fur, or his nose, or his feet or tail. Or all those little bumps and lumps he was getting in the last year. I think I could still pinpoint their exact locations today.

These days I often think about something that I read a few months ago. The person said "we are their heaven", "they stay with us because they love us and they feel comfortable around us". I know the topic isn't widely accepted and I was one of its biggest skeptics, but it's something that has kept me sane throughout the grieving process. I feel better knowing, or rather believing, that I don't walk alone. If I step out of the door, I feel comforted by the thought that Sparkers is still walking beside me, even if just in spirit. It's something that helps me heal. And if it's true, he's gonna get the experience of a lifetime next week, because I decided to go to Germany for a month. It'll be good to be away from everything and to be spoiled by family. I think it'll help clear my head. And when I get back, I would like to start actively looking for another fur child to join me in my adventures. I think I am ready. And I'm pretty sure that Sparky would approve. After all, he knows he's my little top dog, and no one ever will take his place.

Trudging Alone

I took a little mini vacation over the weekend to unwind from the bar exam and see some old friends, including someone I had only met because of Sparky's illness; a dear friend, who has been following this blog and whose pup passed away not long ago due to the same disease - CANCER. I hate this disease - it took the joy out of my life; it took my little boy, Sparky. I figured that spending all this time alone after the bar exam, with nothing to study for, and not even a job (pending results) would give me plenty of time to mourn the loss of my sweetheart. I dreaded this time.

Previously, there were many moments, when I felt Sparky still closely connected to me, but lately, this feeling has faded and I miss him even more. I often would sit on my bed and suddenly get a faint waft of his fur. We also had a song that used to pop up on the radio all the time after his passing. And of course there were other instances when I just felt like Sparks was sitting close by, keeping an eye on me. It's been difficult not having many of these experiences anymore. I miss him just as much as I did when he first left.

Today I decided to walk down to the beach for the first time in months. Our beach. The beach where Sparky would end up romping around half the afternoon, meeting new friends and sniffing a gazillion different doggy butts. At first it felt okay and I was glad that I went, but when I got closer to 'our spots' it just became more and more apparent that I was walking alone now... I saw a few doggy parents and their mutts, but it just made the matter worse. In the end I spent time building a little memorial, which surely will be washed away by the waves tonight, but in some way it allows me to believe that Sparky will get my little message and that I haven't forgotten him in all these months and I still wish I could kiss his sweet face one last time.

It's really not easy walking alone ....

I miss you honey ... so, so much!

(Last trip to the beach, July 2009)