Bringing Him Home

I haven't been doing so good today, mainly because even though the weekend seemed okay, inside I was still hurting, but pushing it away and not really dealing with it. I even went so far to look at black retriever puppies online, hoping I would see one that would remind me of my love. I felt guilty after I was done. And it doesn't help that my longtime BF and I are on break, and he's been sticking to the 'break'-part of it. Even though I was the one that initiated it... I was hoping for a little more support, but he claims to be having a difficult time with this forced space ... So yeah, it's been difficult.

But regardless, I plug along. I just feel I have a permanent frown on my face right now. Maybe not a frown, but I'm pretty sure the sadness is engraved across my face. And just to make it worse, the vet called today. I saw the number and wasn't sure whether I wanted to pick up. They had send a little sympathy card, but I didn't want to talk now too. Anyway, the girl on the other end of the line told me in a sweet voice: "Mareike, we received Sparky's ashes today" ... and the floodgates opened for me. I couldn't even say Thank You, I just hung up. I think she heard me sob, because she never called back to make sure I understood her correctly.

So that's where we're at now. I'm dreading having to pick up his ashes, because I know it will make it even more real. I've been working so hard to not think about those last few days or his death. For some reason he's been living inside my head ... doing just fine. Now I have to bring home his remains... I hope that it will give me some closure, but probably not. I know that time will heal all wounds, but this one, I'm not so sure yet. I truly, deep down in my heart, believe that with his passing I have lost my purpose. I was so happy being "Mom", doing things for him, bringing presents for him, getting food for him, cooking, cleaning, playing, walking ... and in return getting unconditional love. I feel completely misplaced without him...