Bringing Him Home

I haven't been doing so good today, mainly because even though the weekend seemed okay, inside I was still hurting, but pushing it away and not really dealing with it. I even went so far to look at black retriever puppies online, hoping I would see one that would remind me of my love. I felt guilty after I was done. And it doesn't help that my longtime BF and I are on break, and he's been sticking to the 'break'-part of it. Even though I was the one that initiated it... I was hoping for a little more support, but he claims to be having a difficult time with this forced space ... So yeah, it's been difficult.

But regardless, I plug along. I just feel I have a permanent frown on my face right now. Maybe not a frown, but I'm pretty sure the sadness is engraved across my face. And just to make it worse, the vet called today. I saw the number and wasn't sure whether I wanted to pick up. They had send a little sympathy card, but I didn't want to talk now too. Anyway, the girl on the other end of the line told me in a sweet voice: "Mareike, we received Sparky's ashes today" ... and the floodgates opened for me. I couldn't even say Thank You, I just hung up. I think she heard me sob, because she never called back to make sure I understood her correctly.

So that's where we're at now. I'm dreading having to pick up his ashes, because I know it will make it even more real. I've been working so hard to not think about those last few days or his death. For some reason he's been living inside my head ... doing just fine. Now I have to bring home his remains... I hope that it will give me some closure, but probably not. I know that time will heal all wounds, but this one, I'm not so sure yet. I truly, deep down in my heart, believe that with his passing I have lost my purpose. I was so happy being "Mom", doing things for him, bringing presents for him, getting food for him, cooking, cleaning, playing, walking ... and in return getting unconditional love. I feel completely misplaced without him...

His Spot

I wanted to post a pic of his spot in front of the TV - the one I have been talking about. It baffles me how clearly his outline is imprinted on those tiles. The day after his death, I was moving the carpet a little and I noticed that there was a pale spot inside the darker spot. When I took a closer look, I realized it looks like a little paw ... It made me very happy.

Day 4

It's been another tough couple of days, but maybe today will be different. I set my goal not to cry today, but I think I already broke it while in the car, driving to work. It's going to be a beautiful day out today, and my initial reaction was "BEACH". But then I realized that a certain someone won't be joining me, and that I would be seeing lots and lots of pooches and it would most likely bring back some memories and for now I am trying to tug those away.

Friends and acquaintances have been so wonderful over the last 4 days. Dogbook on Facebook, where Sparky had made a gazillion friends, has proved to be an invaluable tool for me to stay mellow and mourn appropriately. I am grateful that somehow that little application which was officially Sparky's very own homepage, enabled me to meet other dog people who love their dogs as much as I do, and who understand what I am going through. Thank you for that.

The other day I went to the post office, only to have a notice in my box that there was a package waiting for me. When I picked it up, it contained Sparky's last injections of Adequan. A few hours later the holistic vet, who was apparently kept out of the loop, called to inquire about Sparky's health.... It's been tough. It's been real tough.

But there've also been some comforting experiences. Friends have been offering to actually loan their dogs to me, from Labs to Bostons to Pugs. Some of them don't even mind if I keep them for a day or two. I'm pretty sure that next week I will start to take them up on their offer. I think I need a little doggy breath in my life. I also found some old pictures of Sparky, and posted those online for friends and family to see. While I was doing that I sat in his spot and was actually able to smell him. How comforting. Also, that brown spot on my tiles in front of the TV has become my friend. I acknowledge it every morning and evening, and sometimes it feels like he's still there.

I think I will remove his water dish this weekend. My good friend Liz had brought me a beautiful plant on Monday, after Sparky had passed, and I think I will put it in that place instead. Another friend had suggested that I could make a pillow out of his bed, and I think I will. It won't be pretty, but who cares. It will hold so much meaning for me. And no, I am not washing the bed first ... I want to keep whatever smell and fur that's in there in it's place.

Last night I was sitting in class, and while I was thinking about my little fella, something made me look down to my chest and there it was, a big black hair, just sitting there, saying 'hi'. It brought a smile to my face because lately, there've been hairs popping up whereever and while normally I wouldn't react to it, now it seems like my little honey is saying "hello". I love that.

So yeah, things are still difficult, and I certainly could cry at the drop of a hat, but things are also slowly, very slowly, moving along.

Day 2

I have this need to apologize to everyone for everything I feel right now. I think people around me don't understand me, except probably those of you who come here to read this blog. I wonder if you think that I am just pathetic or insane? Society doesn't let us grieve like we grieve for humans. Pet loss has to be done in silence, and alone. I was at the store earlier and was looking at herbal medicines to see if there was something for heartache. I never believed any of that holistic stuff, but Sparky had given me a tiny glimmer of hope. Too bad that his disease had progressed so far that none of the medicines were able to grant him a fair fight ... So I stood at the counter and the lovely clerk asked me if I needed help. I was almost immediately fighting with my tears and asked her whether she had something to mellow me out - that I had lost a family member. I was afraid to say 'my sweet dog' ... and now I feel ashamed.

Anyway, things have been so tough since Monday. I can't get myself to take his water dish away, and I can't move his bed because it would mean that I would have to throw it out - I have no room to store it. I don't want to remove these things because I don't want to disrespect the bond we shared ... it's almost like wanting to keep the 'door open' ... I miss him so much. I'm afraid that his smell is leaving my house, I'm afraid that I will forget. I feel guilty when I smile occasionally because I feel it's not right ... I would give anything if I could get a little sign from him. I want what other people have experienced, and even if it's not true, or it was their imagination ... I still want that. I haven't even dreamed about him yet ... I miss him so so much. I looked at old videos last night, of how things used to be between us and I saw his change, but it still broke my heart. I miss so many things about him, it just keeps hurting.

I have less to do today, which isn't good. I get home around 4 and have nothing to do but sit there and stare... I know I could choose to do things, but I don't want to ... I'm exhausted and tired and I don't feel like trying to stuff my days so full that I don't have time to feel anything. I have lost everything the day I lost him - nothing matters anymore. I wish he would give me a sign ...

Our Last Journey Together

I don't know where to begin, except I let my soulmate go.

I had a lot of doubts yesterday. I felt guilt. I wasn't sure if this is what he wanted, because I was confused by his last rally to be perky and cute with me. But deep down I knew - my heart knew - it was time. My friend had offered to go with us, but thankfully he was considerate and kept his distance. He knew that Sparky was a Momma's Boy. He knew that he would want me all to himself, and anything different would be cause for 'concern'.

I had fed him another hefty dose of deli meats before we left, placed him in the car on the passenger seat beside me, with his paws draped over my legs. The entire way to the vet, I was able to pet him and talk to him. My friend decided to take his own car, giving us even more space. I had read somewhere to stay as calm as possible, to not let your emotions run wild, to not upset your fur child in any way before "it" was done. It was difficult, but I told him how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how much joy he gave me, how he was the best puppy there ever was and ever will be, and how it was time for him to return to puppyhood, and to have a good ol' time at the Rainbow Bridge. I think he was listening to me.

When we arrived at the vet, I decided to keep him outside on a juicy patch of green grass. He always loved grass and he loved to rub his face and whole body across it. This time he kept circling for a good 5 minutes before sitting down and watching other dogs go by. It must have been a lab convention somewhere because we saw countless labs, right and left. Sparky was a big lab lover, probably because of his heritage. But this time I could tell that he had grown tired. Even though he kept an eye on everything, it wasn't the usual excitement I was used to. Another sign that things were not right, that my boy was tired. Suddenly the door to the vet opened and an older gentleman with a black female lab came out. Sparky showed immediate interest, rose, ears half-way perked, and his tail wagging as much as he could in his position. It was wonderful to see him one last time; he saw something that made him happy. It was almost as if he was trying to show off; as if he had forgotten what brought us there. It was bitter-sweet.

Soon thereafter the vet tech arrived with the first shot in hand. We had decided to give him the sedative out on the grass to help him relax, and we would later move him inside to a room to give the second shot to stop his heart. I watched my baby-boy get sleepy and offered my hand to rest his face in. The entire time, 20 minutes, I kept repeating how much he meant to me, how this was the right thing, how I would be okay, and how I would insist on him checking in with me every week, if not every day. My heart was breaking into a million pieces but I made it without crying. I didn't want to worry him in any way.

Even though it had been 20 minutes, I felt the lab techs came back too soon to put him on a gurney and carry him in. When they had turned his back to me, he immediately rose up in high alert, looking for me... I'll never forget. We settled in a room, where they gave me another 10 minutes to talk with him, to pet him, to explain to him how everything will be alright, and to make absolutely sure that he had been the best dog to ever walk this Earth.

The vet arrived and explained the procedure to me. She said she would shave his leg a little, find a vein, and once the injection was completed, he would be gone within seconds. I asked her to tell me when, so I could make doubly sure that he would get one last final squeeze from me. The entire time I remained on eye level with him, and whenever he opened his eyes, he would see my smiling face, no matter how hard I wanted to cry.

In true Sparky-fashion, he refused to make things easy. The vet told me how his vein was "uncooperative", and how she couldn't believe she had such a hard time. I had to laugh a little, because it was so Sparky. He had many health scares in his lifetime, and he should have died quite a few times before, but he always insisted on fighting the fight, on sticking around. Eventually she found the vein: "It's time". I held his paw, stroked his face, whispered to him how much I loved him, kissed his face and that was it. Over. So quick. But it was peaceful and just what we needed. When she listened for a heartbeat and shook her head, I fell apart... gone. I sobbed, like I have sobbed so many times in the last few days. I was overwhelmed by the immediate emptiness. Years and years of absolute devotion to this little guy - gone. My life's purpose - gone. He meant the entire world to me. He came before everything else. Nothing was ever done without him on the forefront of my mind.

The vet was in tears as well. Sparky had been such a lover, such a ladies' man; every woman, human or canine, always fell for him. His vet was no exception. I didn't want to leave him there. It felt wrong to walk out of there with my companion left behind. But I somehow got the courage and walked away.

I didn't really cry when I got home. I felt a strange comfort when I was standing in my living room. I looked over to his favorite spot in front of the TV. Years of him lounging there have discolored the tile, and I always refused to clean with chemicals there because I knew my baby slept there. Now I have a brown spot in the shape of a sleeping dog there ... Sometimes it feels comforting, sometimes it causes heartbreak.

I cried when I came home from dinner. It was 8 pm and I felt lonely, and empty. Even though I had prepared myself and actually told myself when I walked up to my house, that Sparky was not going to be there, my initial reaction was to look for him when the door swung open. I spent the rest of the night crying for my little boy and kneeling in front of the TV, where carpet meets the tiles, trying to be comforted by his scent that still lingers there ... I miss him so much.

Sleep Tight, Sweet Boy.

Today, at 4:30 pm, my sweet little boy, Sparky, left my side to go on to Rainbow Bridge. I will forever love him and cherish his memory, and I will miss him so very, very much.

Sweet dreams, Puppyface.

Broken

I'm watching the last 2 hours tick by slowly. It still feels surreal to me at times, like I don't fully comprehend the tidal wave of heart break und sorrow that is about to unravel over me. It didn't make it easier that Sparky perked up last night. For about an hour he was his old self, and then he passed out snoring in front of the TV. My first instinct was "Improvement!!!!!" but then reality set in: there is no improvement with this terminal disease. Throughout the night he slept restlessly. He would wake every hour, almost exactly to the minute. He was always good with time. I used to call him my canine alarm clock, because he would wake me every morning at exactly 8:11 am ... until he got sick.

Today he refused the chicken too. I tried other things, but no, nothing appealed to him. I dug out some more lunch meat and fed him sliced turkey and ham, a big hit! Surprisingly, he even refused his cookies. Another big sign that things were coming to an end. I sat on the floor sobbing when suddenly he perked up, got off the floor all by himself, and came over to nudge me and wag his tail. I was elated, I was excited and I cancelled the appointment. I ended up going to work, thinking that he must be well. But within 2 hours I had a really bad feeling of doom in my stomach and I went home. When I got here, he was asleep, didn't hear me, and when he finally did, he didn't rise. I helped him up and we went outside, very briefly. He peed, stumbled, and sat down in it. At that moment I saw my desperation, my drive to find 'anything' that would make me put this off. And again I needed to remind myself that this disease is not curable, that he will die, and probably very soon, within days. One of my friends said "What if his tail wag wasn't a "I wanna live", but instead a "It's okay mom, don't worry, it's time". I sobbed. He was right. Another friend asked me whether I really wanted to wait till the last minute to do this, when he was seriously suffering. Again, I sobbed. Of course not. I called to reschedule to 4:15 pm.

So I'm sitting here, still crying, with Sparky across the room from me, in front of the door, his favorite spot since getting sick. He's sleeping and thank god for his near-deafness, he can't hear me cry. I'm torn. I don't know whether I am doing the right thing. But everything taken together and looked at objectively shows me that he has no good days left. He's still a bit perky, and I doubt he has any idea what's about to happen, but I hope he will be okay with it.

There's a lovely woman here on Blogger. She reads Sparky's Blog because she has her own story of losing her canine soulmate. In her "About Me" section she wrote one word: BROKEN. And that is me now. I feel I'm stumbling on the rim of a really dark pit, and when Sparky leaves my side, I will fall. He has been my rock for the last 7 years, 1 month, and 3 days. I'm gonna miss my boy so much. No one has held my heart so intensely as he has. I am so scared.

Our Last Day

It's for the best. Keeping him longer would be cruel. I know that he's trying so hard to hang in there for me. When I was sobbing earlier, he suddenly bounced up, acting like nothing was wrong, and I knew exactly that he was doing it for me... I've spent hours laying next to him, talking to him, trying not to cry but my tears always win. I wish he wouldn't see me like that. I am so afraid.

I keep trying to look at it as giving him one last gift, and less of how his death will rip my heart out. I promised him I'd do the right thing, and so it will be done. Tomorrow. At 3:00 pm. I was hoping the vet could come by my place, but it looks like I'll have to take him in instead. I'm going to be there all the way till the end, holding his paw, kissing his ears and his face.

I went to the grocery store to get some deli meats and cheeses, some of his favorite chewy treats, some vanilla yogurt and some vanilla ice cream. I want to spoil him one last time.

I'm not sure if he knows. But I'm pretty sure he knows something is wrong with his mommy, I wish I didn't have to worry him.

I'm so afraid of tomorrow. I keep wavering between It's Time and Not Yet. But it all comes down to the same thing: He's not getting better, he's only getting worse. Letting him go with dignity is so important.

I wish I could change things. I wish I'd been more diligent in trying to find this cancer. I wish I'd never fed him commercial food. I wish we had more time together. I wish I could go with him ...

I Can't Imagine

I've been talking to Sparky all day today. We've hung out more than ever and I've been trying to let him know that it's okay. It's okay to let go now. I can't forget what the vet said: "He's hanging in there for you. He shouldn't have made this long". I sobbed most of the day. I tried not to let him see me like this, but how am I supposed to do this in private. He's been sitting all day by the front door, looking out, checking the neighborhood. It pains me to think about what will be next. I've made a plan. I had to. The way he's looking at me ... he's looking to me for guidance, to make a decision, to make it okay for him to pass.

If he's not remarkably better by Monday, I will call his vet and arrange that we 'do this' Tuesday morning. I know I have to. I owe him this.

I can't imagine life without my little boy. I can't imagine coming home and not seeing my little fuzzball greet me at the door. I can't image not being able to bury my face in his fur. I can't imagine not being covered in black dog hair on a daily basis. I can't imagine seeing his goofy grin when he does something he knows he's not supposed to. I can't imagine not kissing him good night every night. I can't imagine not seeing his tail wag like a propeller when I get home from work. I can't imagine not going on our daily walks. I can't imagine not making his meals in the morning and evening. I can't imagine not having his stinky feet in my face. I can't imagine not taking him with me when I go to the beach. I can't imagine not hearing his gentle snore at night. Most of all, I can't imagine not being loved by him.

I just can't imagine.

Not good

He's been declining again since yesterday afternoon. The usual, lots of panting, seeming restless or anxious. He slept okay, but his overall condition was just not good. Today in the morning he didn't want his usual breakfast, even after I didn't make him take the Neoplasene. He ended up eating a couple of Wieners and some Cottage Cheese. I left a message for the holistic vet, telling her I was stopping the treatment, because I felt it wasn't working.

Two hours later she called me back and gave me the bad news. She agreed with stopping everything and going into full pain control mode. I was surprised because I had hoped she would try to convince me that we could beat this thing. No.
She told me that she had a chance to take a lot at the x-rays from a month ago. She had stopped by my regular vet to take a look. What she saw was not what she had prepared for. She told me that his entire chest, and especially his lungs were so badly affected by the cancer, that she was surprised he was still alive after a month. When I ask her what it meant, she said that he could probably 'go' any day now. She told me to hang in through the weekend, and if he didn't make a turn-around, it was definitely time to let go.

I am crying my eyes our while I am writing this. I would do anything if this didn't have to happen. I don't want to be without my boy. We're a team, and we have always been one since he mooched his way into my life 8 years ago ... I can't imagine that as early as 2 days from now, my boy won't be with me anymore. What am I supposed to do then? Everything is going to remind me of him. EVERYTHING. There's not one spot that will not make me break down in tears, it already does now... Right now he's sleeping on the floor. I've noticed that I've been silently hoping for him to just go to sleep ... I don't want to have to do this. But I just don't want him to suffer anymore either ...

Open Wide

C'mon, Open Sesame!

Good Boy! Pill is in place.

Hold shut.

Beg, Plead, Do Whatever, and Don't Let Him Smell Fear :D

Amazing! All this for just a little sugary pill ...

New Supplements, New Change

I definitely owe an update to everyone. Last Tuesday and Monday were tough on me and on the Spark. It just looked grim to me. He didn't perk back up till Tuesday night, when suddenly he started to demand all my attention, mooched food, begged for rub downs, etc.

Anyway, things have been looking up again since then. Amazing how his energy fluctuates. Is that normal? It just seems that he has either really good days, or really bad days ... a little bit of balance would be nice.

I talked to the holistic vet again. She had called me after hearing that he was in distress Sunday night through Tuesday night. She told me to get some homeopathic supplements. Arsenicum Album and Phosphorus C 30. The Arsenicum Album he gets when he goes into respiratory distress again, ie: coughing, heavy panting, blueish tongue. The Phos C 30 is for when he's anxious, ie: pants and seems stressed, but not quite as bad. The instructions are great. Hah. She told me to give him 5 pellets, put them on his tongue and let the pellets dissolve. Seriously? Has anyone ever tried to place a pellet (even if it's sugary) on a dog's tongue and tried to have him hold still till it dissolved? LOL. I tried several times yesterday and basically always ended up taking him into a near choke-hold,while lovingly petting him :D , and keeping his mouth shut. Everytime he tried to push those little pellets through his tiny, stumpy front teeth. When I tried to re-insert them, he would hold those little teeth clamped together tightly - it was like trying to break into Fort Knox. I have to make sure I get a picture of his face next time. You'll all love it.

Anyway, I am not sure whether the stuff works, but he did mellow out a bit thereafter, and even fell asleep. I can't wait to get home tonight after work. He seems to be in good spirits again, and I have the whole weekend off to spoil him rotten.

Horrible Night

Last night was awful. Even though he was fast asleep when I went to bed, within 30 min he was wide awake, panting. It wasn't the normal panting, it was loud, and somewhat labored. It seemed, the longer he was sitting in the dark panting, the more he stressed, the worse it got. I tried to calm him in the dark but it didn't help. I tried laying next to him and petting him, and it didn't help. Eventually I turned on the TV for some light, and got him some of the new kibble I bought (for cancer dogs). He seemed to forget about his breathing issue a little, and after I gave him some peanut butter he looked much happier. I left on the TV until I heard him snore a little. The same procedure was repeated 4 more times throughout the night. It was a very long night for both of us.

Today I woke up to a still sleepy dog. He was laying on his side and I decided to get ready for work first and letting him get some rest. I figured by the time he'd smell the pork loin that I made for him the night before, he would be up and poking his head into the kitchen. But no. I even went over to him with his food bowl and he continued to lay there. The nose was twitching but he wasn't moving. I helped him up, and then he ate. Clearly, food is still important to him, once he's up and running, but I can tell that he's starting to get really tired. He's turning into a different pooch, not the one I spent half his life with. I know, I keep saying the same thing, but I am just so heartbroken. I cried so much, trying to do it silently so that he doesn't notice me. I have an important scholarship interview in less than 6 hours and I'm all cried out ...

When is the right time? And how long do I keep going? I didn't give him his Neoplasene and all the other stuff today, because I didn't want him to feel nauseous on top of his weakness. I just wanted him to enjoy his meal, without having to swallow some bitter pill first. I don't know guys, I'm feeling that this is coming to an end. To me it seems the Neoplasene is not working. I don't think I will start with it again, if he doesn't perk up ... I just don't want him to spend his last days/weeks sick to his stomach too.

Today when I went to work, Sparky looked at me and came to the door with me. He never does that. I looked down on him, and part of me felt like he was saying good-bye, or saying "Mom I'm really tired", as in "Prepare yourself" ... I left with such a heavy heart and full fear...

Acceptance

Sparky 2004 - he was such a stunner, people always stopped to pet him, hug him.

Acceptance ... it's become really difficult. I had posted another post earlier about my speculations that Sparky was suffering from heart disease and that his weakness and panting was easily fixable with pills. I had researched the issue for hours over the weekend, frequented all kinds of dog forums to get expertise on pharmaceuticals, diets, exercise ... you name it, I was reading up on it. All in preparation to switch gears on the treatment to make him feel better, to save him, to keep him with me...

It all came crashing down when the vet finally called me back in the evening to tell me that I was hanging on to false hope. She said that even though he had an enlarged heart, there was no heart disease, that his heart rythm was steady and good, that there was no murmur, that it was fairly strong. She told me "You need to start letting go. It's not fair to you. You've done all you can." I am heartbroken all over again. I was hoping to have found something, anything. I asked her whether she was sure that we were not overlooking anything. I would give anything. It's been so hard the last few days. Overall he seems okay, but the panting and the coughing scares me so much. And he's weak. I was hoping that something else could be done.

I'm starting my last 3 months of law school on Monday. I'm starting to study for the bar very soon. I can't focus at all on anything but him. I don't know how things will be. I don't want to leave him alone all day and then all night, when I'm in class - I feel I'm going to miss our last moments together... God, I am so heartbroken.

Another Problem to Add to the List

I didn't post the last couple of days, because things were up and down a lot, and I'm trying to resist whining immediately about it ... I have to get used to the bad days, and not just focus on the good days.

Anyway, Friday we went for another acupuncture appointment. That morning he looked especially good, and he acted in a lot of ways that he hadn't acted in a while. Too many little details that wouldn't make sense to many outsiders, but to me, it was a big surprise and a big step in the right direction.

While he was getting acupuncture I discussed his heart condition with the vet. The night before he had been laying on his side when I noticed that a patch of his fur was pulsating. At first I couldn't really believe it, but then it dawned on me that his heart was beating and it was visible through his fur, about a 3 by 3 patch of fur. When I had received the original diagnosis of his cancer, I was also made aware that he had an enlarged heart. Not just a little, but huge. It takes up all of his upper portion of his chest cavity. The original vet had told me not to worry too much about it, and meds weren't needed, and she wasn't even sure if it was all heart, or whether the tumors were part of the image, or whether it was the heart sac ... Anyway, seeing his fur move rapidly I felt like I was staring at a time bomb. I discussed it with the holistic vet and she put him on Bio Cardio immediately. Bio Cardio consists of Hawthorne Berry, which has been known to improve the contractions of the heart muscle and improve heart health. It can be used for a variety of heart diseases. The holistic vet was also surprised I hadn't mentioned it before, and told me that his weakness could very well be from his heart condition. I felt like an ass. I had double-checked with the other vet the night of the initial diagnosis, just to make sure I didn't have to worry --- but now I felt like a neglectful mother.

After we got home, the same thing happened that had happened last time - he crashed from the acupuncture. This time I was at least prepared. The holistic vet checked in with us later, and she said not to worry, but she was surprised how sensitive of a pooch he was. Well, he'd always been like that. Whatever could go wrong, usually does, and usually to a magnified degree. At least this time it only lasted 18 hours.

I guess I should be grateful, because overall he's doing okay. But I can't. Not today. Little things are creeping up and they all add to the big picture, which is not pretty. There are those good days, when I completely forget about what's going on and what our future is going to look like. And then those bad days hit, and I grieve all over again. I must be in denial. I don't know. But I do know that I can't imagine my life without him. And it hurts like hell when I think about that I'll be left behind...

Neoplasene and the Power of Sardines

Apparently, the Neoplasene-Cottage Cheese mixture isn't a big hit.

Finding the right bribe proves difficult.

Bacon was a no-go.

Cheese didn't cover the 'stinky' smell.

Burger bits were an insult ...

"No thanks, mom. I'm okay. I think I'll pass today - thanks for the thought ..."

*burp*

Buuuuuuuuuut, Mom wasn't born yesterday --- she's bringing out the big guns:

SARDINES - enough stink to cover any medicine you're trying to sneak into your pet's food ...

A spoonful of Sardines helps the medicine go down in the most delightful way

- even Mary Poppins was aware of that ... :D

The First Three Weeks - Recap

Today is Sparky's 3-week anniversary of his cancer diagnosis and the vet's announcement that he has 2 months left to live. We hopefully get to prove them all wrong! I thought I would recap what I have changed in his life so far, and what our treatment looks like at the moment.

CURRENT COURSE OF TREATMENT (for a 70 lb lab mix):

• 6 cups of food per day
• 50% protein, 25 % veggies, 25 % rice
• 1 capsule Colostrum twice a day (for a healthy GI)
• 1 teaspoon of Pet Dophilus a day (healthy GI)
• 3 capsules of Omega 3, 6, and 9 per day (we've currently stopped this, because of some diarrhea issues)
• 1- 1 1/2 cc Astragalus (immune booster) twice per day
• .75 cc Neoplasene twice per day (minimum dosage for a dog his size, but we're dealing with a sensitive stomach - this dosage will be increased)
• massages (by me) to stimulate and exercise his weakened hind legs
• 5 daily short walks to stimulate and exercise those hind legs
• acupuncture - starting this week on a regular basis, probably 1 or 2 times per week for a month

RECOMMENDED FOODS:

• ground beef
• chicken breasts
• salmon
• sardines (water-based is preferred)
• eggs (2 - 4 eggs, approved by holistic vet)
• brown rice
• squash or zucchini
• carrots (try mashed with some butter - big hit with my pooch)
• yogurt (stay away from the sweetened kind)
• cottage cheese
• wieners (as a treat)
• sliced deli meats (as a treat)
• cheese (use the mild stuff)
• broccoli (but don't feed too much of this, could cause some GI upset)

I think this just about covers it. I'm hoping to see more progress when the acupuncture kicks in. So far it's been a bit rocky, going back and forth quite a bit, but overall I have the impression he's getting better. Last night we had a small breakthrough. We took a little walk at around 7 pm, and out of nowhere, Sparky grabbed his toy out of my hand, and sprinted down the street like a maniac. Not only that, but when I caught up to him we played tug for a good 5 minutes. I ended up chasing him around the driveway and down the street, while he was running around, mouth wide open, looking back to me as if he was smiling. We haven't had a moment like this in weeks, maybe even months. And our morning today started off just as well. He got up and greeted me. It's been a long time since this has happened. Total bliss for both of us.

Nausea and Diarrhea

Be aware, nausea and diarrhea are likely to follow the ingestion of Neoplasene.

Again, I am not 100% positive, but I would say 85% of certainty is guaranteed. Over the last week, I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to get rid of his diarrhea. It's a tough feat. Chicken and rice will only be an interesting food choice for so long, especially once your pooch figures out that he can have pretty much anything these days. With just rice and chicken, the poopage improves ... without (because he's associating rice and chicken with Neoplasene now, thus forcing me to switch things up) the diarrhea comes right back... It's a never-ending battle at this point. He's currently taking Colostrum and I started him on Pet Dophilus - I'm hoping it will improve things at the rear end... Poor pup.

Other than that, his legs remain weak, and since I'm working from home all day today, he's lazy and just laying around, instead of being bouncy and trying to impress me like he usually does when I get back home from work.

Definitely looking forward to what acupuncture might be able to do for him.

Picky, picky!

I never thought I would have a picky eater in Spark, but apparently yes, that's the new routine. I'm not sure whether he's actually nauseous from the Neoplasene, or whether he figured out he can pretty much demand anything of me these past days/weeks.

As always, I woke up to a snoring pooch today. His eyes were flickering wildly, his feet twitching, so clearly, he was in REM sleep and I didn't want to disturb him. What a sweet sight. I'm slowly getting used to the idea that he probably won't greet me much in the morning anymore. At least not like he used to. So instead, I am greeting him with soft pets and little kisses behind his ear, my favorite spot because right there is the softest fur and he smells the most like himself.

He's been getting a little stand-offish when I serve him his Neoplasene/Cottage Cheese mix. Bacon bits used to do the trick, but not anymore. Last night, I tried a little canned salmon on top, and it worked. Today, I was out of salmon, but tried tuna, and it worked. But then his regular food afterward he did not want. I tried everything. I ended up heading to the grocery store and getting sardines and ground beef. Not a big hit either. I assume it's the Neoplasene - he may be a little queasy. I then made some mashed carrots with butter, and he loved it... figures.

Things have become a bit unpredictable these days, lots of trying new stuff, with a fair amount of turned up noses. But it's all worth it, because right now, I have a bouncy pet by the front door, demanding to go out so he can enjoy the day ... Life is good today.

Changing ...

... for the better? Not sure yet. But overall he seems to have perked up a notch. Not that he wasn't perky before -he just couldn't move- but now I see a little spring in his first initial steps. I keep eyeballing him, and I feel that things are better. But I'm just not sure.

The morning started just like the previous 2 mornings; he didn't want to get up like he used to. But today, I was able to bribe him with food. And after he ate, we went outside. He looks a dash more sturdy, but then has his moments of weakness, and occasional stumbles ... Of course I jump into action each time, ready to catch his fall. I would say he has about 3 such episodes per walk. Clearly, he isn't 100% but he seems to be better than yesterday.



He's also inhaling his food again. And his tail keeps wagging, his ears keep perking, and he's definitely back to demanding all my attention. We're back on the Neoplasene, and no nausea is manifesting. Perfect. I don't want to say that the holistic vet was right yet, because I'm just not sure, but it looks like he's recovering from whatever was going on. At this point I'm looking forward to him having acupuncture on a more regular basis.

Healing Crisis

Healing Crisis. That's what it's called. Supposedly. And I've never heard of it until today. I think I called every vet in my town, including all holistic vets. I was determined to track someone down to help me. No one could. Except, one lady offered to come by my house and charge me roughly 1000 Dollars for 5 treatments.... People in my situation are desperate; so to all you out there, who are in a similar situation, please beware. Some people are perfectly willing to use your desperation against you and exploit you.

Luckily, I did track down 'his' holistic vet and she offered to come to my house and take a look at my boy. I was grateful. After chatting with her for a while about his symptoms via phone she announced that it sounded more like "Healing Crisis" then an overall decline in health. She said she does come across this symptom sometimes, and she's had pet owners like me, who were convinced that the end was near, when in effect, the ailing body was adjusting to the new treatment.

HEALING CRISIS: A healing crisis is a severe symptom, or set of symptoms, which may appear quite suddenly or unexpectedly during the course of natural healing. If patients are not educated to the normal re-balancing act the body must do to regain equilibrium, they might possibly become frightened or distrustful of the treatment they are undergoing, be it chiropractic, acupuncture, nutritional, homeopathic, etc. Holistic practitioners often assume that their patients understand the self-healing process, or are afraid to tell them that they might be feeling a whole lot worse before they begin to feel better.

Sparky's vet told me that he would most likely be better tomorrow, and that I should not lose faith. I'm also going to continue the Neoplasene. I will hang in there, just like the pup is. She told me to give him a doggy massage, ie: run my flat hands and fingers across his body, all the way down to his tail, massage his legs, squeeze his feet, and work on the stiffness that he's experiencing from the healing crisis. She's confident that he'll be better tomorrow or the day after. I guess older dogs take a little longer to recover from something like this. As for right now, after 20 minutes of massage, I have a snoring pooch on the floor. I am RELIEVED.

From Bad to Worse

Things are steadily going downhill at the moment. I'm frustrated and scared, and there's nothing I can do. Sparky was up half the night, just standing there, panting. I am not sure if he was in pain, but he didn't look comfortable.

Today in the morning he was ready to go out, but had definite trouble getting in to the standing position. I had to help. While outside trying to do his business, he got so weak that he sat down ... That has NEVER happened before. He clearly had a hard time standing and walking and his hind legs were dragging on the asphalt when he walked. It was heartbreaking.

Back at home he only had a moderate appetite, and I think that's the effect of the Neoplasene. He seems a little queasy. Two ago days he broke his dish bowl because he was so excited, and today he turned up his nose at the food he loves so much. He also continues to have diarrhea. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I am exhausted. I want him to be comfortable and not in pain, yet everything I do right now makes his quality of life worse.

I called his holistic vet and his regular vet and left messages. We NEED to talk. This is not working for us, especially not for him. I feel I'm losing him. I feel I have maybe a week left, because if he can't get up to go out, what else is left? I'm stuck. The holistic vet wants me to stop the pain meds, but Sparky needs them for functioning. The Neoplasene makes him queasy, so he doesnt want to eat. Eating is his favorite activity ... and he doesn't want to?????

I have to think about making this as comfortable as possible for him. I'm devastated that nothing is working right now, but I don't want to keep him in pain. He's back on the pain meds, and I will stop the Neoplasene and only give him chicken, rice and cottage cheese until we get the diarrhea and the upset tummy under control.

I look at him and every time my heart breaks. I don't know what the right thing is? I don't know whether acupuncture will make a difference. But I do know, that right now, he's suffering....

Day One - Not So Good

It's been an emotional day.

I woke up hoping to see a change in mobility, but besides Sparky being awake and happy to see me, nothing else had changed. I felt he was even slower than yesterday. Our first walk was extremely short and when we came back and I presented him with breakfast, he didn't even want to rise for it. That was it. I took out the Previcox and gave him his usual dosage. I know! But I couldn't stand it. He was suffering quietly and I was not going to be able to handle knowing that I held the key to his comfort. I'm hoping to get off the Previcox again tomorrow, or the day after, if he starts feeling a bit stronger.

After breakfast I went to work, and of course did nothing but research Neoplasene and Acupuncture. Like I said, I am not a big believer in holistic care and I feel I'm grasping at any straws, regardless of how small they might be... okay? Honestly, I don't see a difference from the acupuncture. The vet had told me this wonderful story about this dog that couldn't walk anymore, and she administered her treatment, and voila! he was able to walk out of her office. Nice! Just didn't work for Sparky, did it? I know, she said it would probably take some extra treatments ... I will give her that.

As to the Neoplasene, I'm a little worried too. It seems to be a pretty heavy-duty stuff, and while it does a lot of good, there's a small percentage of canines who it will not work for, and who actually might get quite ill. At this point, because I'm already mopey, I feel that Sparky might belong to that small percentage, which of course isn't fair for me to say - not so early in the game.

I guess my biggest concern and worry today is that he's so slow and lethargic. But the tail wags are still there, and so is the big appetite. I read on the Neoplasene website about Glucosamine Sulfate, which works like a NSAID, but without interfering with the Neoplasene. I sent my vet an email about that, and maybe that's the ticket for us ... I just can't be the cause for his pain - it would kill me. I hope tomorrow is a better day for us.

The Treatment

I currently have a passed-out pooch next to my bed, snoring happily, and dreaming of dog parks and car rides.

Today we went for our first session with the holistic vet. Very nice lady. Her house was right next to the local off-leash dog park, which was a total treat for Sparky, since we never make it over there anymore and he's just not that agile to actually make it worth the trip. Anyway, we met for an hour and unbeknownst to me, she had intended to give him some acupuncture for his hip dysplasia and arthritis. I 've always been skeptical of this type of treatment. I attribute the skepticism to my German upbringing and also the lawyer in me. But the vet was convinced it would do good, and at this point I'm desperate for results. She had observed him and noticed that he was quite slow, and frankly, I have grown so accustomed to it, that I hadn't noticed; not until I saw the other dogs outside the dog park. It actually made me sad, because he used to be such a happy, bouncy boy who'd partake in impromptu chases and things like that.

Anyway, the visit was good. After about 20 min of needles in his back and legs I could tell he was relaxing and enjoying himself. He was less suspicious and actually let her massage his back. We decided on the Neoplasene treatment, which was no surprise to me, since we had talked about it. She praised me for switching him to such a healthy diet, and said that diet alone was gonna work wonders on his immune system and his ability to put up a fight against the cancer. I was never aware how unhealthy commercial dog food is... I'm ashamed that I never looked more closely into what I was feeding my sweetheart. Anyway at this point he's getting:

• canned salmon
• chicken
• cottage cheese
• cheese
• 2 - 4 eggs per day
• rice
• zucchini or squash
• some tuna
• ground beef
• apple or pear
• plain yogurt

Distribution-wise it should be about 50% protein, and 25% veggies/fruit and 25% rice. In addition he gets Omega 3, 6, and 9 ... tho I must say, it's been giving him a little bit of diarrhea, so I will be giving about 1000 mg per day for a while and see if it changes, instead of the 3000 mg he's been getting. From now on he's also getting 0.75 cc Neoplasene twice a day as liquid in this food, as well as 1-2 cc Astragalus. Both fight the cancer, the Astragalus builds a better immune system.

In order to fight any tummy upset that may develop from the Neoplasene, and to kind of mellow out his already existing, mild diarrhea I am also going to add Pet Probiotic (by Jarrow) and Colostrum (1 capsule 2x per day). She thinks that the current mild diarrhea is the result of him having been fed commercial food for all his life, and his body isn't used to the good stuff he's getting now. Besides, my boy always had a somewhat sensitive stomach, so this new stuff might work great for him.

Furthermore, we will continue with the acupuncture on a weekly basis, until we see some results, and then we will probably go down to twice, or maybe just once, per month. Also, the Previcox he's been taking, I am going to try and stop right now. She said to only give him the Previcox if absolutely needed, but it's counteracting the Neoplasene, so the less he gets the better. We may try Arnica later, once he's off the Previcox. Though she feels he might get to a point with the acupuncture, when no Previcox and no Arnica will be needed. That would be awesome.

I feel good. I feel a little relieved. I'm happy that I've been doing a lot of things right already. She was very happy to hear that he's got such a big appetite, and she can tell that there is a very happy, playful pup lurking inside him. I hope all this stuff will work out just fine. She said I should see some changes in mobility tomorrow or the day after. Today, she said, he's most likely going to be wiped-out ... and yup, she sure is right.

I love his feet...

... I'm sure I'm not the first person who is obsessed with their dog and realized that the feet are one of the extremely cute attributes of their beloved housemate. I love them. I'm sure this statement makes me even weirder to the regular people on the street. It clearly can only be appreciated by another dog person :)

Tomorrow is the big day. I'm off and looking forward to meeting the holistic vet. Appointment is at 1 PM. I have made a whole list of questions I need to ask. I'm still confused about the food, and the amount of it, as well as most of the ingredients. I need someone to assure me that I do everything right. Also, I noticed that I will have to stop Sparky's Previcox (for the Arthritis) because apparently NSAIDs and Neoplasene either don't get along, or they negate each other's effect. Not too excited about it, because Sparky's been doing great on the NSAIDs, but at this point it's all about survival, and if Tramadol will do the trick instead, then okay!

Have I mentioned he's eating me out of house and home? LOL. Seriously, he's developed an appetite that is out of this world. Thus I need to talk to her about the food. He's constantly standing by the fridge wanting more chicken, wieners, cottage cheese, eggs, tuna, regular cheese ... whatever, just MORE FOOD. Of course I'm happy to see him this way. It would be much worse if he stopped eating. I'm a little bit worried that the Neoplasene may upset his stomach. He's always had a sensitive stomach, and the Neoplasene may lead to nausea... I would hate to do that to him, especially since he's such a foodie, MY FOODIE.

New Patterns Emerging?

Just when I get comfortable with the diagnosis and maybe even stopped thinking about his fate 24/7, the world never stops revolving and things never stop changing. Today, yesterday and actually Thursday too, it became apparent that there is a new pattern emerging regarding Sparky's energy level, and I'm really not liking it, because I feel it's the beginning of the end. And like I said so many times, I'm not ready to let him go .... but I know this is not about me.

Anyway, yesterday morning I noticed how he's actually been pretty slow in getting going each day. I know, it seems miniscule compared to what we're facing, but still, it's disconcerting because it is a constant reminder of how things will be, and how I can't stop this ... Who knows what the Neoplasene will do. God, why isn't he on it ALREADY!!!!! He's been weak in the mornings, and it takes him (thanks to the heat in CA that's adding to his struggle) till nearly the evening hours to become the chipper, bouncy pup that I know. I'm worried. I've been doing so good ignoring the 2-month prognosis, because it depresses me and I don't want to be this way around him. He's always been good in picking up on every little change in my mood, and I don't want to burden him with my depression over his limited time ... It just doesn't seem fair, and I don't care how childish I sound, but it doesn't!

I hate when people tell me "He's old, he's lived a good life, he's so lucky he's got to share this time with you". Who is supposed to feel better after this? How is it supposed to make it okay for either one of us? Most people don't understand the grieving process for a pet is real. 80% of the people I know said "Oh, I'm sorry" and I never heard them mention him again. Not that I need constant attention about this, but it's amazing how little our pets are supposed to count. I chose NOT to have kids, I chose to have a dog instead. He's is my kid. Just because he isn't human doesn't mean he doesn't matter ... I prefer him over humans any time of the day and I don't care what people think this makes me look like ... I'm frustrated today, and I'm scared.