Revisiting the Past

I knew, eventually the other shoe would drop ... and it sure as heck did today.

I don't even know where to start, but I feel someone burst my bubble today. I have been so convinced that I was on the right path to getting my dream job and then something old, something stupid from my past, snuck up on me and at the moment I feel like it's going to cost me the job. I'm heartbroken. I feel like a major set back has taken place and I have no way to remedy it. All I can do is sit and wait...but I'm pretty sure I sunk my own ship.

And then, just when I thought I was going to semi-survive it, my best friend, Steve, called... And by his phone call, he completely pulled the remaining rug from under my feet. He has cancer. And it's probably real bad. Surgery is next week, but it's not gonna be good news ... not likely. Today hit me like a bus ... Steve's illness brought back these deep emotions and the deep pain I felt when Sparky was diagnosed with cancer. And again, this disease is trying to claim someone who is incredibly important to me, and who is LEAST deserving of all this. And again, part of me feels like "why him?, why not ME?" 

I want to crawl under the covers and stay there for a month. I want to just check out and let life pass me by for a while. The pink cloud I was on for a little while has disappeared and again I feel I'm staring into a big black hole. It's days like these that make me long for those moments when I would get down on the floor with Sparky and bury my face in his fur and tell him about my rotten day and why I was upset. And sure enough, he always made everything better ...

Getting through all the "Firsts"

I've been dealing with a lot of firsts still; firsts that should have been acknowledged much sooner, but I was too busy keeping it together for the bar. As I'm writing this a big knot is building in my throat, and the emptiness I feel when I think about what an amazing friend I lost returns ten-fold. I miss him. I miss him so much still! I celebrated my birthday last Monday, and it wasn't the same. Normally, I would have packed up Sparky and spent the day going to doggy parks and beaches with him. This year I moped. Probably not the best idea, but it was another first without him. And so I've been checking off all the firsts off my list while this his anniversary is approaching and I believe that things will get easier after August 24. I know that the sadness will never really go away, but I'm also so grateful for having been able to get little 'doses' of Sparky in the last 10 months; be it in form of stray hairs that are still landing on my bed when I sit down at night, or be it in form of the faint smell of his feet that still seems to transcend from his favorite spot in front of the TV, even after nearly 10 months. 

Through all the good times lately, in the back of mind, Sparky is ever present and I miss him every day so very much. I'm convinced that without Sparky keeping an eye on me, I probably wouldn't have made it this far in the last 10 months. More amazingly is the fact that I was able to keep it together as much as I did. I look back and I can truly say that 2009 was the most painful year of my life. I'm trying to think back to any other time in my life that could match the heart ache of 2009, but there is none.  Surprisingly, I also feel that during the last few months of 2009, after Sparky passed, I felt the most strength and comfort. I was not comfortable, but I felt that someone was watching out for me. Anyone who knows me, knows that Sparky was the highlight of my existence. There was nothing that was anywhere near as important as my little boy was. I dreaded the day that he would leave me because I knew that I would crumble and fall apart. When Sparky passed on August 24, it was as if he knew that that day was the 'most right' day possible. It is eerie how this day was picked by him. It was the day after my break from Summer classes ended, it was the day that my boss came back from a long vacation, it was the beginning of what would be the end-spurt of my law school career - a time that had me spinning in  my heels because of the insane of amount of work I still had to do before I could take the bar exam. Sparky picked that time. I know that he did. In a sense he saved me with his last selfless act. And I know that the following months he was close by my side, I could always feel him. I always felt guilty, and still do, for not having been able to help him. I would have given anything to save him...

I miss you Sparks.