♫ ... Leaving on a Jet Plane ... ♫

I'm really looking forward to this trip. It's long and it's far away from everything that's caused me so much heart ache last year. My gosh it will feel so good. I just need to clear out those cob webs in my head --- and well, if Sparks is coming with me on this trip in spirit, I'll make sure I'll be indulging him as much as possible by visiting sausage shops as often as possible. 

Speaking of indulging and sausage: Am I the only one who still buys hot dogs and cheddar cheese bits, purely out of habit, because I'm so used to living with a mooch? And whenever I do grab a hot dog out of the fridge, I usually announce "Look what Mommy's eating".  ---> Dorky, but therapeutic -- at least for me :o)

Good bye my little e-friends ... I will be sure to check in and will post pics whenever possible.

Auf Wiedersehen.
Hugs.

Seven Months

I can't believe it's been 7 months. It seems odd to be here without my trusted little sidekick.  8 months ago I would have never anticipated being alone again. I love that I can still remember the feel of his fur, or his nose, or his feet or tail. Or all those little bumps and lumps he was getting in the last year. I think I could still pinpoint their exact locations today.

These days I often think about something that I read a few months ago. The person said "we are their heaven", "they stay with us because they love us and they feel comfortable around us". I know the topic isn't widely accepted and I was one of its biggest skeptics, but it's something that has kept me sane throughout the grieving process. I feel better knowing, or rather believing, that I don't walk alone. If I step out of the door, I feel comforted by the thought that Sparkers is still walking beside me, even if just in spirit. It's something that helps me heal. And if it's true, he's gonna get the experience of a lifetime next week, because I decided to go to Germany for a month. It'll be good to be away from everything and to be spoiled by family. I think it'll help clear my head. And when I get back, I would like to start actively looking for another fur child to join me in my adventures. I think I am ready. And I'm pretty sure that Sparky would approve. After all, he knows he's my little top dog, and no one ever will take his place.

Trudging Alone

I took a little mini vacation over the weekend to unwind from the bar exam and see some old friends, including someone I had only met because of Sparky's illness; a dear friend, who has been following this blog and whose pup passed away not long ago due to the same disease - CANCER. I hate this disease - it took the joy out of my life; it took my little boy, Sparky. I figured that spending all this time alone after the bar exam, with nothing to study for, and not even a job (pending results) would give me plenty of time to mourn the loss of my sweetheart. I dreaded this time.

Previously, there were many moments, when I felt Sparky still closely connected to me, but lately, this feeling has faded and I miss him even more. I often would sit on my bed and suddenly get a faint waft of his fur. We also had a song that used to pop up on the radio all the time after his passing. And of course there were other instances when I just felt like Sparks was sitting close by, keeping an eye on me. It's been difficult not having many of these experiences anymore. I miss him just as much as I did when he first left.

Today I decided to walk down to the beach for the first time in months. Our beach. The beach where Sparky would end up romping around half the afternoon, meeting new friends and sniffing a gazillion different doggy butts. At first it felt okay and I was glad that I went, but when I got closer to 'our spots' it just became more and more apparent that I was walking alone now... I saw a few doggy parents and their mutts, but it just made the matter worse. In the end I spent time building a little memorial, which surely will be washed away by the waves tonight, but in some way it allows me to believe that Sparky will get my little message and that I haven't forgotten him in all these months and I still wish I could kiss his sweet face one last time.

It's really not easy walking alone ....

I miss you honey ... so, so much!

(Last trip to the beach, July 2009)