I was driving by a big, juicy, grassy area today and I had to think about Sparks. He was definitely excited whenever I let him loose on our neighbor's patch of grass. He would roll around, rub his snout, grunt and snort, bite into it, scoot across it face first ... He was ecstatic! Eventually he would just stand there like a little cow and he would graze ... and graze ... and graaaaaaaaaaaaze. Every morning the same routine, with me ending up promising a big meaty breakfast if he'd kick it into next gear. I miss those little moments of just 'us'.
There are quite a few friends in my life right now, who are going through tough times with their pups. I want you all to know that I think about you daily, and that I do pray for you all and wish you the best. There's nothing worse than feeling helpless when your fur child is suffering and you're not able to help. Above all, there's nothing worse than trying to figure out when their quality of life has decreased to a point that life in general has become meaningless to your sweetheart. I found this website to be extremely helpful in making an informed decision...
We always wonder whether our furbabies will give us a sign when they are 'ready', and I think most of them will. But it depends whether we want to see those signs and acknowledge them. For me it was important to not listen to my heart (which was screaming at me to continue to hang on) but to listen to my head, and be rational, and most of all, be compassionate.
During Sparky's last few days, there was an improvement at one point and I eagerly called my girlfriend to tell her that Sparks was fighting back. She had the compassion and the insight to tell me that he would never get better, that things were only going to get worse. For some reason, as intelligent as I thought I was, this had to be pointed out to me ... I don't know how I had missed it up to that point. The day he passed away, after a long weekend of not being himself, he came over to where I was sitting, and for the first time in 3 days he was 'present' and he licked my cheek, as if he wanted to lick away all those tears and tell me that it was okay - that he was ready to go, and that I would be okay without him... Oftentimes I think about this moment and I think how big it was of him to do this, and how very wise and so much more mature than I could have ever been.
I truly think they do give us a sign, and all we have to do is listen ...
I am seriously choked up.
ReplyDeleteWell said. We don't see it until we are ready to see it and even then, it is our most devestating moment. When they say 'good-bye' we truly know its the end. Thanks Mareike for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeletePeace. gina
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you...I know you know how much this posts means to me as we're going through this conflict. Sometimes, I wonder, after Joe's gone, if I'll look back and realize that he has given me a sign, or signs. I sometimes think I over-analyze and look for a sign in anything that he does; is that over-analyzing or wishful hoping? Time will tell...
ReplyDeleteYou know, you have a wonderful way of writing, Mareike, it gives me peace of mind, so often.
Yup. The "only us" moments. That was most of my 9 years with Indiana. Just us. Makes it so much harder. Specially now that it's "just me".
ReplyDeleteI hate that I had such a short time with my girl. And I hate that she had to go when she did; in our situation.
And I know she wanted to fight what was happening to her. I know she did. That was the hardest part. Trying to tell her there was no option of fighting. Only one vet said they'd do the surgery, but said she was high risk to be lost on the table. No meds were offered either - from anyone.
I had to wait for her to realize I was helpless. A horrible feeling to be so helpless for someone I'd do anything for. But we simply had no options.
It was hard for me to do, because she certainly tried to ignore it. But one of my sisters said "it's best she feels death's approach - let her go through the motions. Dying is a natural process she should be allowed to have if there is no pain."
And so, I had to let death approach, and eventually we were both as ready as we were ever going to be.
No matter what, it's always difficult.
No matter what, there's always doubt. Did I do it too soon? Did I wait too long? Did I do this wrong or that wrong?
But I guess, if roles were reversed in some way, I'd never blame my girl for anything - ever. So I know the whole deal was a join decision. I was used to listening to her. Like you said, they teach us so much - all we have to do is listen.
thanks Mareike.
Life is not fair - our puppies should be able to be with us forever - not for 5, 10 or 15 years. I will never understand the logic behind why turtles can live for one hundred years, but man's best friend is only here for a short while (nothing against the turtles, but you get my drift).
ReplyDeleteAs for the signs - looking back, I know I missed several from Bailey. She did the same comfort lick to me just before passing. I miss that unconditional love.