Acceptance

Sparky 2004 - he was such a stunner, people always stopped to pet him, hug him.

Acceptance ... it's become really difficult. I had posted another post earlier about my speculations that Sparky was suffering from heart disease and that his weakness and panting was easily fixable with pills. I had researched the issue for hours over the weekend, frequented all kinds of dog forums to get expertise on pharmaceuticals, diets, exercise ... you name it, I was reading up on it. All in preparation to switch gears on the treatment to make him feel better, to save him, to keep him with me...

It all came crashing down when the vet finally called me back in the evening to tell me that I was hanging on to false hope. She said that even though he had an enlarged heart, there was no heart disease, that his heart rythm was steady and good, that there was no murmur, that it was fairly strong. She told me "You need to start letting go. It's not fair to you. You've done all you can." I am heartbroken all over again. I was hoping to have found something, anything. I asked her whether she was sure that we were not overlooking anything. I would give anything. It's been so hard the last few days. Overall he seems okay, but the panting and the coughing scares me so much. And he's weak. I was hoping that something else could be done.

I'm starting my last 3 months of law school on Monday. I'm starting to study for the bar very soon. I can't focus at all on anything but him. I don't know how things will be. I don't want to leave him alone all day and then all night, when I'm in class - I feel I'm going to miss our last moments together... God, I am so heartbroken.