I have this need to apologize to everyone for everything I feel right now. I think people around me don't understand me, except probably those of you who come here to read this blog. I wonder if you think that I am just pathetic or insane? Society doesn't let us grieve like we grieve for humans. Pet loss has to be done in silence, and alone. I was at the store earlier and was looking at herbal medicines to see if there was something for heartache. I never believed any of that holistic stuff, but Sparky had given me a tiny glimmer of hope. Too bad that his disease had progressed so far that none of the medicines were able to grant him a fair fight ... So I stood at the counter and the lovely clerk asked me if I needed help. I was almost immediately fighting with my tears and asked her whether she had something to mellow me out - that I had lost a family member. I was afraid to say 'my sweet dog' ... and now I feel ashamed.
Anyway, things have been so tough since Monday. I can't get myself to take his water dish away, and I can't move his bed because it would mean that I would have to throw it out - I have no room to store it. I don't want to remove these things because I don't want to disrespect the bond we shared ... it's almost like wanting to keep the 'door open' ... I miss him so much. I'm afraid that his smell is leaving my house, I'm afraid that I will forget. I feel guilty when I smile occasionally because I feel it's not right ... I would give anything if I could get a little sign from him. I want what other people have experienced, and even if it's not true, or it was their imagination ... I still want that. I haven't even dreamed about him yet ... I miss him so so much. I looked at old videos last night, of how things used to be between us and I saw his change, but it still broke my heart. I miss so many things about him, it just keeps hurting.
I have less to do today, which isn't good. I get home around 4 and have nothing to do but sit there and stare... I know I could choose to do things, but I don't want to ... I'm exhausted and tired and I don't feel like trying to stuff my days so full that I don't have time to feel anything. I have lost everything the day I lost him - nothing matters anymore. I wish he would give me a sign ...
Oh, Mareike, you are neither pathetic or insane! You are just missing a beloved partner and grieving...it's all normal! I'm sure there are people who don't understand the special bond between us and our furry companions, that's their loss.
ReplyDeleteAs for Sparky's material things...there is no time frame on when you need to deal with those; it should be in your own time and in your own way. Someone suggested to me, after one of my boys passed away, making something out of the cover from his dog bed. I can't sew (at all!) but asked a friend who can, to make something special for me...she made a very simple pillow, like a throw pillow, from the fabric from his bed. It's not visually attractive, by any means, but it is, honestly, one of my most treasured things.
As for looking for signs from Sparky, they're probably all around you but, sometimes, it's hard to see something, through the tears. I truly believe that and, sometimes, it just takes really looking for the signs.
Five years ago, my other boy, Zip, was struck by a fast moving illness that forced me to make a decision that I'd never dreamt I'd have to, for my 5YO boy. While fighting the illness, Zip was in the ICU at Michigan State University; while there, he had his favorite toy, a little stuffed English Springer Spaniel (his breed) that the doctors had even bandaged to look like Zip! When I made the decision to give Zip the final help that I knew he needed, that stuffed dog was my only solice.
Fast forward about two weeks later...I was still very depressed about loosing my boy and Joe, the one who is going through his own battle right now, and NEVER played with any toys, brings me Zip's stuffed Springer, drops it in my lap and starts barking at me.
Maybe I'm bonkers...guess that could be but, honestly, to this day, I truly believe that Zip told Joe to bring that toy to me to snap me out of my funk and to let me know that he was okay and up to his old tricks. I still have that stuffed Springer and will never let it go...it's a constant reminder of my Zip.
So, honestly, Mareike, give yourself all of the time that you need, take care of yourself, physically and don't put any pressure or timelines on yourself. There are no rules in the game of love our furry fellas.
Hey there!
ReplyDeleteI just deleted the longest comment ever.
I decided it was too much and I'd just give you the main points:
1. Don't get rid of anything right now.
2. Don't be ashamed - and don't try to explain. They get it or they don't.
3. Don't worry about the dreams - you've been through a lot in the past weeks. Let your mind rest!!!!!
4. Remember that grief, of any kind, is VERY real. Everyone reacts differently and everyone heals differently.
5. Tell the whole damn world!
and lastly, I'm sure Sparky, like Indie, hated when you were miserable. So if an occasional smile erupts, just think of how he would have been pleased to see you you a bit happy.
Hang in there.
Hello Mareike,
ReplyDeleteI have just read your last few posts as I have been out of connection for awhile. You and Sparky were heavily on my mind this last week as I felt the inevitable was close at hand.
You already know that the grief & overwhelming sadness you have is very appropriate and very 'normal' for the love of your life...your baby...your boy. Sharing it with others honestly and openly is the right thing to do. Don't hide your tears. Let them flow for as long as they need to. There will be so many people who will comfort you and be kind (more so than the others)...it will surprise you. Your heart is broken and may never be the same again. I think of mine as 'disabled' now, althogh still functioning.
These beings make us 'good' and we always love them and miss their presence. They were and still are the definition of true love. We were so lucky to have them and keep in mind they felt the same way about us.
You did the right thing at the right time.
Take care and take your own sweet time.
xo gina (& Cowgirl)
Thank you for all the kind comments. I read them and I appreciate you all so much. Thank you.
ReplyDelete