Day 4

It's been another tough couple of days, but maybe today will be different. I set my goal not to cry today, but I think I already broke it while in the car, driving to work. It's going to be a beautiful day out today, and my initial reaction was "BEACH". But then I realized that a certain someone won't be joining me, and that I would be seeing lots and lots of pooches and it would most likely bring back some memories and for now I am trying to tug those away.

Friends and acquaintances have been so wonderful over the last 4 days. Dogbook on Facebook, where Sparky had made a gazillion friends, has proved to be an invaluable tool for me to stay mellow and mourn appropriately. I am grateful that somehow that little application which was officially Sparky's very own homepage, enabled me to meet other dog people who love their dogs as much as I do, and who understand what I am going through. Thank you for that.

The other day I went to the post office, only to have a notice in my box that there was a package waiting for me. When I picked it up, it contained Sparky's last injections of Adequan. A few hours later the holistic vet, who was apparently kept out of the loop, called to inquire about Sparky's health.... It's been tough. It's been real tough.

But there've also been some comforting experiences. Friends have been offering to actually loan their dogs to me, from Labs to Bostons to Pugs. Some of them don't even mind if I keep them for a day or two. I'm pretty sure that next week I will start to take them up on their offer. I think I need a little doggy breath in my life. I also found some old pictures of Sparky, and posted those online for friends and family to see. While I was doing that I sat in his spot and was actually able to smell him. How comforting. Also, that brown spot on my tiles in front of the TV has become my friend. I acknowledge it every morning and evening, and sometimes it feels like he's still there.

I think I will remove his water dish this weekend. My good friend Liz had brought me a beautiful plant on Monday, after Sparky had passed, and I think I will put it in that place instead. Another friend had suggested that I could make a pillow out of his bed, and I think I will. It won't be pretty, but who cares. It will hold so much meaning for me. And no, I am not washing the bed first ... I want to keep whatever smell and fur that's in there in it's place.

Last night I was sitting in class, and while I was thinking about my little fella, something made me look down to my chest and there it was, a big black hair, just sitting there, saying 'hi'. It brought a smile to my face because lately, there've been hairs popping up whereever and while normally I wouldn't react to it, now it seems like my little honey is saying "hello". I love that.

So yeah, things are still difficult, and I certainly could cry at the drop of a hat, but things are also slowly, very slowly, moving along.