Another Problem to Add to the List

I didn't post the last couple of days, because things were up and down a lot, and I'm trying to resist whining immediately about it ... I have to get used to the bad days, and not just focus on the good days.

Anyway, Friday we went for another acupuncture appointment. That morning he looked especially good, and he acted in a lot of ways that he hadn't acted in a while. Too many little details that wouldn't make sense to many outsiders, but to me, it was a big surprise and a big step in the right direction.

While he was getting acupuncture I discussed his heart condition with the vet. The night before he had been laying on his side when I noticed that a patch of his fur was pulsating. At first I couldn't really believe it, but then it dawned on me that his heart was beating and it was visible through his fur, about a 3 by 3 patch of fur. When I had received the original diagnosis of his cancer, I was also made aware that he had an enlarged heart. Not just a little, but huge. It takes up all of his upper portion of his chest cavity. The original vet had told me not to worry too much about it, and meds weren't needed, and she wasn't even sure if it was all heart, or whether the tumors were part of the image, or whether it was the heart sac ... Anyway, seeing his fur move rapidly I felt like I was staring at a time bomb. I discussed it with the holistic vet and she put him on Bio Cardio immediately. Bio Cardio consists of Hawthorne Berry, which has been known to improve the contractions of the heart muscle and improve heart health. It can be used for a variety of heart diseases. The holistic vet was also surprised I hadn't mentioned it before, and told me that his weakness could very well be from his heart condition. I felt like an ass. I had double-checked with the other vet the night of the initial diagnosis, just to make sure I didn't have to worry --- but now I felt like a neglectful mother.

After we got home, the same thing happened that had happened last time - he crashed from the acupuncture. This time I was at least prepared. The holistic vet checked in with us later, and she said not to worry, but she was surprised how sensitive of a pooch he was. Well, he'd always been like that. Whatever could go wrong, usually does, and usually to a magnified degree. At least this time it only lasted 18 hours.

I guess I should be grateful, because overall he's doing okay. But I can't. Not today. Little things are creeping up and they all add to the big picture, which is not pretty. There are those good days, when I completely forget about what's going on and what our future is going to look like. And then those bad days hit, and I grieve all over again. I must be in denial. I don't know. But I do know that I can't imagine my life without him. And it hurts like hell when I think about that I'll be left behind...