Just when I get comfortable with the diagnosis and maybe even stopped thinking about his fate 24/7, the world never stops revolving and things never stop changing. Today, yesterday and actually Thursday too, it became apparent that there is a new pattern emerging regarding Sparky's energy level, and I'm really not liking it, because I feel it's the beginning of the end. And like I said so many times, I'm not ready to let him go .... but I know this is not about me.
Anyway, yesterday morning I noticed how he's actually been pretty slow in getting going each day. I know, it seems miniscule compared to what we're facing, but still, it's disconcerting because it is a constant reminder of how things will be, and how I can't stop this ... Who knows what the Neoplasene will do. God, why isn't he on it ALREADY!!!!! He's been weak in the mornings, and it takes him (thanks to the heat in CA that's adding to his struggle) till nearly the evening hours to become the chipper, bouncy pup that I know. I'm worried. I've been doing so good ignoring the 2-month prognosis, because it depresses me and I don't want to be this way around him. He's always been good in picking up on every little change in my mood, and I don't want to burden him with my depression over his limited time ... It just doesn't seem fair, and I don't care how childish I sound, but it doesn't!
I hate when people tell me "He's old, he's lived a good life, he's so lucky he's got to share this time with you". Who is supposed to feel better after this? How is it supposed to make it okay for either one of us? Most people don't understand the grieving process for a pet is real. 80% of the people I know said "Oh, I'm sorry" and I never heard them mention him again. Not that I need constant attention about this, but it's amazing how little our pets are supposed to count. I chose NOT to have kids, I chose to have a dog instead. He's is my kid. Just because he isn't human doesn't mean he doesn't matter ... I prefer him over humans any time of the day and I don't care what people think this makes me look like ... I'm frustrated today, and I'm scared.
Hi. Your words are my words, my feelings, my experience, my pain. It is the most intense loss that I have experienced as well. 'they' say that to lose a child is the worst thing and YES it is. I lost my child, Cowgirl, and I probably wont get 'over' it. In fact,a week after our diagnosis (Cowgirl got a 1-2 month sentence as well) I ended up in hospital and nearly died. I do not think this was a coincidence. I think knowing that she was dying almost killed me as well. So, what I am trying to say is that I think your feelings are true, are real and shared. I wish there was something to say other than that.
ReplyDeleteAll I believe is that we would never have enough time with them. That is the one thing I know.
Peace and love to you both.
gina
My word verification for the last comment was
ReplyDelete"fight"
Go figure
Thank you Gina.
ReplyDelete"Fight" - we will!
Same here. Granted my health wasn't in tip top shape to begin with, but it crashed hard after Indiana passed.
ReplyDeleteI'm very fortunate though. My immediate family is very pet oriented. My mother still has a photo of my Indiana out on her desk because she can't bring herself to let go.
When Indiana passed, both my parents cried not just for Indiana, but for the past 3 dogs they've had over the last 37 years who've all been dead for years.
I'll be honest with you: you won't heal. Not completely.
Some people can. Some people can get another dog and while they still love and miss the previous dog, they move on quickly and do well. Which is great because plenty of dogs need homes.
Unfortunately, I'm not that type. So I say again, you won't heal.
You'll learn to walk with a limp so to speak, but you'll never heal.
The best we can do is hope and pray that our limp doesn't hinder our lives too too much. I keep going because Indiana did so much to pull me out of a dark and dismal place that I don't want to go backwards and make her life and purpose seem to have been in vain.
"Live to Fight! Fight to Live!"