Last night was awful. Even though he was fast asleep when I went to bed, within 30 min he was wide awake, panting. It wasn't the normal panting, it was loud, and somewhat labored. It seemed, the longer he was sitting in the dark panting, the more he stressed, the worse it got. I tried to calm him in the dark but it didn't help. I tried laying next to him and petting him, and it didn't help. Eventually I turned on the TV for some light, and got him some of the new kibble I bought (for cancer dogs). He seemed to forget about his breathing issue a little, and after I gave him some peanut butter he looked much happier. I left on the TV until I heard him snore a little. The same procedure was repeated 4 more times throughout the night. It was a very long night for both of us.
Today I woke up to a still sleepy dog. He was laying on his side and I decided to get ready for work first and letting him get some rest. I figured by the time he'd smell the pork loin that I made for him the night before, he would be up and poking his head into the kitchen. But no. I even went over to him with his food bowl and he continued to lay there. The nose was twitching but he wasn't moving. I helped him up, and then he ate. Clearly, food is still important to him, once he's up and running, but I can tell that he's starting to get really tired. He's turning into a different pooch, not the one I spent half his life with. I know, I keep saying the same thing, but I am just so heartbroken. I cried so much, trying to do it silently so that he doesn't notice me. I have an important scholarship interview in less than 6 hours and I'm all cried out ...
When is the right time? And how long do I keep going? I didn't give him his Neoplasene and all the other stuff today, because I didn't want him to feel nauseous on top of his weakness. I just wanted him to enjoy his meal, without having to swallow some bitter pill first. I don't know guys, I'm feeling that this is coming to an end. To me it seems the Neoplasene is not working. I don't think I will start with it again, if he doesn't perk up ... I just don't want him to spend his last days/weeks sick to his stomach too.
Today when I went to work, Sparky looked at me and came to the door with me. He never does that. I looked down on him, and part of me felt like he was saying good-bye, or saying "Mom I'm really tired", as in "Prepare yourself" ... I left with such a heavy heart and full fear...
Hello to you both. It is with an intense sense of deja vu that I have just finished reading your last 3 posts. The moments you are in now are some of the worst you will have to bear. I remember when my vet said those same words to me. When she said 'it is time', I felt myself spiral down into the abyss. Those were the words I never wanted to hear but that was the only way I could let her go. Listen to your heart, (really listen to it) and ask Sparky to tell you what to do. He will tell you the if it is time.
ReplyDeleteIt is the most difficult time in the most cherished of relationships. There is no easy way to get through this. There is nothing to say to make you feel less awful. Your grief and sadness are appropriate...normal...and right. You haven't betrayed him.
Dog Bless.
gina
I think Indiana fought longer than she would have because she knew I wasn't ready. My family began to urge me to please talk to her and let her know it's ok to go. Which of course it wasn't, but eventually I understood how right they were. Remember, our dogs do what they can to please us, they rely on us to command only realistic and safe things for them to do. "Jump? How high? - Live? How long?". I feel it in my bones and my soul that my girl did NOT want to leave this world as early as she did. But I also know that she was tired of fighting. Because of her situation (little pain, but gradual discomfort) she was able to slowly go through the natural process of death. It's hard to explain because I know she wanted to fight it, but we were given no options. Surgery was the best they could offer and that would give us up to 2 months if we were lucky and she survived the procedure. She did horrible with anesthesia. So I chose not to do that.
ReplyDeleteIn any case-
I expressed to her in any way I could, that I understood she was in trouble, in discomfort, that I was there for her, but that I could do nothing. She knew me well enough to recognize my frustration, my anger, my terrible sadness, and most importantly; my unending love.
I told her many many things in those last few days and tried my best to do as my family suggested and let Indiana know that she was allowed to leave me. Which is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I owed her a peaceful good bye, she'd done so much for me, and always tried so hard to please me, I couldn't let her think she was letting me down or causing me sadness.
You'll know when it's time. Indiana just lost so much energy in the last few days and swelled up so quickly from the internal bleeding, that her body forced us both to accept the nearing end. My girl did not belong in that dying body and I knew it. She knew it as well. I thought it would be in her eyes, but it wasn't. Minutes before we took her to vet, she was still very much aware of what was going on. She gave me her shifty eyes to point out that my sister's dog was poking her nose into Indiana's bag of toys. Indie was telling me to go protect her toys for her cause she could not stand up at that point.
That was right before we took her to the car to take her to the vet and put her down.
And well. . .. you know the rest of the story. Crazy girl left me before we got her out of the car.
So there you have it. No point in trying to prepare yourself, I'm still unprepared for life without Indiana. But think of Sparky and let him know that although he can't stay here with you forever, he'll have your love forever.
Thank you so much for your compassion. Both of you made me cry - again. I'm sitting here, looking at my boy and still in denial ... I just don't want it to be real. For some reason I always thought we'd be together forever - childish as the idea may seem. Sigh.
ReplyDelete