It's for the best. Keeping him longer would be cruel. I know that he's trying so hard to hang in there for me. When I was sobbing earlier, he suddenly bounced up, acting like nothing was wrong, and I knew exactly that he was doing it for me... I've spent hours laying next to him, talking to him, trying not to cry but my tears always win. I wish he wouldn't see me like that. I am so afraid.
I keep trying to look at it as giving him one last gift, and less of how his death will rip my heart out. I promised him I'd do the right thing, and so it will be done. Tomorrow. At 3:00 pm. I was hoping the vet could come by my place, but it looks like I'll have to take him in instead. I'm going to be there all the way till the end, holding his paw, kissing his ears and his face.
I went to the grocery store to get some deli meats and cheeses, some of his favorite chewy treats, some vanilla yogurt and some vanilla ice cream. I want to spoil him one last time.
I'm not sure if he knows. But I'm pretty sure he knows something is wrong with his mommy, I wish I didn't have to worry him.
I'm so afraid of tomorrow. I keep wavering between It's Time and Not Yet. But it all comes down to the same thing: He's not getting better, he's only getting worse. Letting him go with dignity is so important.
I wish I could change things. I wish I'd been more diligent in trying to find this cancer. I wish I'd never fed him commercial food. I wish we had more time together. I wish I could go with him ...
Maereike,
ReplyDeleteI know your pain all too well. But you have the right attitude, it is one last gift you can give him. He knows you love him, but let him know he can go now, you will be OK and he can rest. The love of a dog is so strong and that will to be there for us extends well beyond their health. The tears are Ok, but keep the positive gift in your heart for him to sense from you. It is the best thing you can do for Sparky and all he has given to you over the years. My heart will be thinking of you and Sparky. Your head knows it, you just have to convince your heart. And that is the hardest.
Laura
Better one day too early than one day too late. I went through this 4 years ago with my girl Lucy. It was one of the most heartbreaking decisions of my life. The morning of 'the day' she couldn't stop shaking. She was laying on the couch. I sat by her and held her paws and told her that the pain would be gone soon. I looked into her eyes and knew that the decision, although it hurt like crazy and still does, was the best thing for my girl. Over 4 years on I am still crying as I type this.
ReplyDeleteKnow that Sparky will keep on loving you. His death doesn't affect his love for you. He has passed from the physical to the spiritual, but he keeps on loving you. Life ends; love doesn't.
My thoughts are with you.
Maereike,
ReplyDeleteAs i read your blog the tears are there because your pain is so easy to see and to understand. You were such a special person in sparkys life and he was so special to you - that bond of love will never be broken, You will have so many memories chersih them and i do believe that one day we will meet our beloved dogs in a place where there is no pain only joy and happiness.
Teresa (riley and billys mum on dogbook)
Maereike,
ReplyDeleteI second all of Laura's words but my heart say otherwise. In fact, I would be doign the opposite and be selfishly hanging on till the last second.
But no matter what, Sparky has a wonderful life with you and because of you, he enojoys a warm loving home.
Take your time with Sparks in the last moments, Scout & I are here for you. Lean on us and the friends around you.
All my hugs,
Yvonne (Scout's mom)
I've been thinking about you all day!
ReplyDeleteI can assure you, you'll still feel the love, please know that. But as I said before, you'll have a limp. I'm so sorry you have to be going through this, but I'm so glad you've had the opportunity to have such a gift in your life!!! And I know you were a gift for Sparky as well. The best!!
-ingrid