I've been talking to Sparky all day today. We've hung out more than ever and I've been trying to let him know that it's okay. It's okay to let go now. I can't forget what the vet said: "He's hanging in there for you. He shouldn't have made this long". I sobbed most of the day. I tried not to let him see me like this, but how am I supposed to do this in private. He's been sitting all day by the front door, looking out, checking the neighborhood. It pains me to think about what will be next. I've made a plan. I had to. The way he's looking at me ... he's looking to me for guidance, to make a decision, to make it okay for him to pass.
If he's not remarkably better by Monday, I will call his vet and arrange that we 'do this' Tuesday morning. I know I have to. I owe him this.
I can't imagine life without my little boy. I can't imagine coming home and not seeing my little fuzzball greet me at the door. I can't image not being able to bury my face in his fur. I can't imagine not being covered in black dog hair on a daily basis. I can't imagine seeing his goofy grin when he does something he knows he's not supposed to. I can't imagine not kissing him good night every night. I can't imagine not seeing his tail wag like a propeller when I get home from work. I can't imagine not going on our daily walks. I can't imagine not making his meals in the morning and evening. I can't imagine not having his stinky feet in my face. I can't imagine not taking him with me when I go to the beach. I can't imagine not hearing his gentle snore at night. Most of all, I can't imagine not being loved by him.
I just can't imagine.
There's never enough time.
ReplyDeleteHad Indie lived to be 14, or even 12, it wouldn't have been enough. In my perfect world I would have been able to quit my job and spend every minute with my Indiana traveling and going on great adventures and eating great food. I don't understand why one of human's greatest companions have such short lives, but even the short time we have with them, and the bond we create, is so much more than some humans ever experience. As sad as I still am, I still don't understand how I was deserving of such a blessing as Indiana, such a perfection. I try to focus on the reality of death and how it would have been unavoidable, and I also try to focus on the strange reality of how lucky I was to have had her in my life. I've very sad, but very great full as well.
You are both in my prayers.