Merry Christmas Sweet Pup - 4 Months

Today is Christmas Eve. It also represents the 4-month mark of Sparky's passing.  Needless to say, it's been tough this holiday season and one of the main reason for me not posting as much as I used to. I almost want to say "Nice going Sparky!" with a little smile on my face.  Sparky was good at getting right into your face if he wanted something, especially if it was about him getting more attention. Having an 'anniversary' on Christmas Eve is something that is definitely Sparky-ish. He was a smart boy. I know that this is a difficult time not just for me, but all of us who've lost our pups in recent months/years. Christmas used to be a time when I would go crazy with doggy toys and Christmas decorations. Sparky would always be in awe about the Christmas tree, looking at all the twinkly lights and probably contemplating whether it was worth getting in trouble for pulling down an ornament and running off with it ... This year I decided not to celebrate and I'm fine with it.

The other reason I have been neglecting this blog is because I've been preparing for the February Bar Exam, and most likely, I'll be disappearing again for another 2 months. But before I do, I wanted wish you all a peaceful Christmas, and hopefully a wonderful New Year.

 2008

2007

 

 2006

 

 

2003

Merry Christmas Sparky.
Mommy misses you.

3 Months - Yesterday

I meant to update this blog yesterday,  to officially acknowledge Sparky's 3 month anniversary of his ... passing. I didn't and now I feel guilty. It wasn't that I failed to think about it, I just didn't know what to write this time. Sometimes it's hard to fake it. So instead of trying to come up with something witty or cute, I'll just close with one of our last pictures ... I miss you Sparkers - so much.

Rest in Peace, Puppyface.

Mutt Manipulation

Sparky had a subtle way to let me know when things were borderline unacceptable to him. I believe this picture was taken while I was on break from law school. I think I had a total of 3 weeks off, but with pre-semester prep, that time was cut down to about two weeks. I remember that day I dared to lounge on my bed, watching TV, rather than being out and about with El Pooch. Don't get me wrong, by that time, he had been outside for a walk at least  2 or 3 times, but nevertheless, good was not good enough. Not when there were plenty of hugs and kisses that could have been given instead. Gosh, I loved this pooch.  So he would sit by my bed, quietly, and he would stare me down, literally. I would try to ignore him, showing off my "alpha-dog powers", but in the end, the needy pup would always win.

 

Another amazing Sparky-feature was his nose. It was big and juicy. And it had a freckle on top, one that would grow larger and larger with age. His nose was the culprit for his constant battle of the bulge. I always wished he had a little bit more self-control ... especially when it came to my dinner plate. I don't remember many times when I was able to eat my own plate without having that big, black nose nudging me, nudging the table, or the plate itself. And when I gave him a stern No(!), he would momentarily go shy on me, bow his head, lower his ears, and look off to the side ... but only for a few seconds before he would look back up to me, waiting for me to crack a smile. My vet used to tell me that he was a  little manipulator and couldn't be trusted when he had zero-ed in on something he wanted... mostly food.

There are so many Sparky tales that I hope to remember and memorialize in this blog. Dogs like Sparky, who have the patience of a saint, proven by the fact that he was living with my neurotic self, shouldn't be forgotten. I guess over the last few months I've been struggling with the fact that many people indeed were ready to forget... I think he was my little counter part, my side kick, my 'better' half ... Wherever I went, a story and a picture of Sparks went as well. When Sparky passed, so did the stories and the pictures, and a little part of myself ... Time heals all, I know ... some things just take a little longer, especially when they were as amazing as my Sparky.

Setbacks

There have been a lot more bad days than good days lately. At this point, I'm wondering when the big lump in my throat will finally disappear, or it becomes easier to go home to an empty house at night. The evenings have been the worst. It's been 10 weeks and  there's still that big, gaping hole in my heart.

I miss you Sparky....

I always loved taking him in for a hair cut. This one was one of

the more ridiculous ones. Good times.

Two Months

It's been two long months since Sparks has left. I've been sitting here today, thinking about it all, and realizing that even though time has brought a little bit of comfort, not much has changed at all. While the frequency with which I am reminded of his loss has lessened, the intense grief, when I do remember, is still there.

I just miss him so much... I wish I never had to let him go.

Cows and Licks

I was driving by a big, juicy, grassy area today and I had to think about Sparks. He was definitely excited whenever I let him loose on our neighbor's patch of grass. He would roll around, rub his snout, grunt and snort, bite into it, scoot across it face first ... He was ecstatic! Eventually he would just stand there like a little cow and he would graze ... and graze ... and graaaaaaaaaaaaze. Every morning the same routine, with me ending up promising a big meaty breakfast if he'd kick it into next gear. I miss those little moments of just 'us'.


There are quite a few friends in my life right now, who are going through tough times with their pups. I want you all to know that I think about you daily, and that I do pray for you all and wish you the best. There's nothing worse than feeling helpless when your fur child is suffering and you're not able to help. Above all, there's nothing worse than trying to figure out when their quality of life has decreased to a point that life in general has become meaningless to your sweetheart. I found this website to be extremely helpful in making an informed decision...

http://www.caninecancer.com/endoflife.html

We always wonder whether our furbabies will give us a sign when they are 'ready', and I think most of them will. But it depends whether we want to see those signs and acknowledge them. For me it was important to not listen to my heart (which was screaming at me to continue to hang on) but to listen to my head, and be rational, and most of all, be compassionate.

During Sparky's last few days, there was an improvement at one point and I eagerly called my girlfriend to tell her that Sparks was fighting back. She had the compassion and the insight to tell me that he would never get better, that things were only going to get worse. For some reason, as intelligent as I thought I was, this had to be pointed out to me ... I don't know how I had missed it up to that point. The day he passed away, after a long weekend of not being himself, he came over to where I was sitting, and for the first time in 3 days he was 'present' and he licked my cheek, as if he wanted to lick away all those tears and tell me that it was okay - that he was ready to go, and that I would be okay without him... Oftentimes I think about this moment and I think how big it was of him to do this, and how very wise and so much more mature than I could have ever been.

I truly think they do give us a sign, and all we have to do is listen ...

To Poop or Not to Poop...

I remembered one of Sparky's little quirks the other day and I wanted to share it, even though it may be entirely disgusting to a dogless person.

Sparkers had a way about him that was just priceless. He had a habit of doing a little post-poop dance, almost like the NFL players when they score a touchdown. It always made me crack up. This little dance was also very useful if, for example, I'd be out in the yard doing stuff and Sparks would roam around on his own. The minute I'd see him bouncing around, and hopping towards me, mouth wide open into a big goofy smile, I knew exactly what had transpired. And so I would go off on my little "Treasure Hunt" making sure he didn't end up fertilizing the neighbors lawn again. He also was a very modest dog. If we were walking together on the street and the mood struck him, he would gracefully excuse himself behind a bush or tree and do his business there. Always out of sight. I think it had to do with stage fright. :D

Sparky was such a unique dog. He was so lovable, so goofy, soooo incredibly well-mannered, and sooooo needy, but sweet. I loved every minute of every day with him. I know I've said this before, but since his passing, things haven't been the same. I miss my Sparky-induced moods ... I'm back to my serious self. Life is just so much more complicated without my boy ... I miss his antics... I miss everything.

Sleep tight Puppyface.

Clippers and Things

I've made some "official" progress. I've been able to actually take Sparky's bed away, and I was able to give away his doggy ramp. Both things were incredibly difficult, and both things broke my heart a little bit. But I know it's the beginning of my healing. Most of his other stuff is still here though, locked away in the closet, to be kept for later when it hurts less to look at it.

One of the items locked away are his clippers. There are so many funny stories revolving around those clippers. When I first got Sparky he came with a big, thick Newfie-coat. Because he was so incredibly matted and stinky from the previous, neglectful owner, I had him shaved professionally. It was at that time that I noticed that our little furry friends are able to feel embarrassment. Hah! When he came back from the groomers, he didn't want to get out of the car. He was embarrassed and I could clearly tell. As a matter of fact, I had to drag him out and he immediately disappeared in the house where he would stay for two days, only coming out once in a while to do his business. By losing his coat he had shrunk about 2 sizes and I think he felt less of an alpha dog and more like a toy poodle. He was obviously upset with me and I knew then that my baby held a grudge. The trauma usually didn't last longer than 2 days, and by day 3 he was truly appreciative of all the weight lifted off him.

Anyway, the next time grooming was in order, I figured I could do it myself instead of spending 100 bucks each time. The result you see in the picture above. There were holes and missing patches of fur everywhere, but Sparky was a trooper and I think by posing for this picture he tried to make the best out of it.

I miss this goofball so much.

Candles = Memories

I can feel the holiday season coming already. I'm not too excited about it right now, but nevertheless, I bought scented candles the other day, and I was reminded of a funny little story that took place while Sparks was still around:

I had returned from grocery shopping and had purchased a set of vanilla-scented candles. I lit them immediately and started unpacking the groceries when suddenly I felt a nose poking me from behind. I turned and saw Sparky going through all the grocery bags that I had just carried in. When he couldn't find what he was looking for, he just stared at me. At that time I had no idea what he wanted either, so I showed him all the contents of my bags and let him pick. Nope, that wasn't it. He continued to roam through the house, nose high in the air. I broke out in laughter when he suddenly started to lick the air. What a hilarious sight: it was a fast lick, almost frantic, while walking through the house, desperately trying to pick up where the scent was coming from. It finally dawned on me that those candles were the cause of this and that he was trying to lick up the vanilla.

I always wondered whether my fuzzball was the only one reacting to scented candles like that. Clearly, I had a big foodie on my hand ... he was able to pick up any food scent from ten miles away. He could be in deep slumber, at the other end of the house, when I would try to open the fridge and get myself a little something. By the time I'd close the fridge door, he'd be behind me, cornering me with those big brown eyes, looking as if he hadn't had a decent meal in over a week ... I love those memories. And I loved that look. What a big mooch.

Mommy misses you, puppyface.

One Month

My Sweetheart:

Today, it's been one month since you've left my side, and I still miss you so much that it hurts when I think about you. I've been doing good and I've been crying less, but it doesn't take away from the pain that I feel every day when I look at your empty little bed. My eyes are no longer so puffy, but my heart still breaks. I wonder every day, whether you are okay, or whether you miss your mommy? I wonder whether you are upset that I still grieve so much, but then I feel you're doing the same up there, somewhere. I wish we could have had many more years together. You leaving me, was never the plan... I wish I could hold you one last time. I would love to bury my face in your fur, and hold your sweet, little cheeks, and stroke your soft ears. You are my other half. You are part of me and I haven't been the same since you left.

I miss you honey. I miss you so, so much.


Love, Mom.

A little Reprieve

I've survived my first day puppysitting a little unruly Boston Terrier ... and oh my, this little rascal is nothing like Sparks, which is probably a good thing. Not only must he be the most hyper dog I've ever encountered, he's also never heard the word NO, I'm pretty sure of that. But he's cute as a button, so that makes up for all his bullying.

It's been good getting out and doing things with Charlie, the BT. I'm staying at my friends nice apartment, close to the beach, and we've already established a little routine. Most of the time I'm just plain busy chasing him, or being chased by him. Hardly ever do I get time to reflect on how different he is. There was a moment earlier, when I just thought how nice it would be to have a mellow Sparks by my side, walking without a leash, eager to please. I looked at Charlie and he gave a little sneeze, as if he was disapproving my thoughts. I suddenly had to think about how funny Sparky sounded when he sneezed. It usually was loud and intense, and it always made me laugh, especially since his whole body would shake in the aftermath. I would always exclaim "Gesundheit, my sweet!" and Sparky would look at me, almost with a little smile. I realized that moment that I would never have the chance to say that again, at least not to my sweetheart. It took a lot for me not to start crying right at the beach, but I managed, because Charlie quickly pulled me out of my thoughts. I think the trick lies in not thinking about how it would 'never' happen again, but just to think about, "okay, it's not happening today" ... It goes right alongside the overused phrase of "one day at a time" but it's true. If I think ahead, and look at the tremendous loss and what changes are happening (most of them I don't like) then nothing good will come of it. It just throws me deeper into my despair. So I will try and stay in the moment. It's still tough to think about how a life like Sparky's can be over so quickly, just gone. It's seems weird that there is nothing else? That's why I can't quite believe it sometimes ... Anyway, I'm pretty sure Sparky would have gone crazy around Charlie, hah. Sparkers was a lover, but little dogs would make him nervous. It was always cute how he'd try to gingerly step away from dogs like Charlie.

You know, what I really like about this puppy sitting gig is the puppy smell. Charlie has this doggy scent that I've missed so much. Of course it's nothing like Sparky's, but it's similar and it's comforting ... Speaking of which, that little spot in front of the TV where carpet meets tiles, where the boy used to lie, it still smells like him. I don't think I'll ever be able to vacuum there ...

And since we've already talked about weird topics (or at least insinuated), such as "there must be more than just death" ... I'm starting to think that maybe stuff 'is' going on ... There's this one particular song that came on the radio one day, in Sparky's final days, and I remember thinking about how it kinda fit us, how it was sad, but how it somehow felt right ... it wasn't an exact match, and it certainly wasn't about a human and a canine, but it was 'us'. Anyway, this same song has been coming on the radio whenever I am in my car ... I tend to change the channel right to it every day, at least twice ... I tend to think that my little angel is giving me a sign ... Yes, the song is sad, and I want to sob when I hear it, but it's also 'us' and I feel it connected us then, and it still connects us now ... and that's all I want these days.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Hugs from Sparky's Mom.

Puppysitting and other Things

Tomorrow my puppysitting gig will start. I'll be keeping company to a 6 month old Boston Terrier. I'm really looking forward to it, but it's also pretty scary. I'm afraid that spending so much time with another dog might backfire on me emotionally, but then I can't really say that I am necessarily stable at the moment. Things change a lot. What used to be easy before, such as watching old Sparky-Videos or looking at his pictures, has become extremely difficult. The time that I would spend during the day not thinking about my boy, has been replaced with that dreaded feeling of emptiness. It used to be easy to be in denial, but it really is not anymore. It's almost as if reality gave me an initial break with my emotional pain, but it's now doubling up for sure. It's just so hard. I don't want to sound like a broken record, and eventually I want to turn this blog into something useful for other dog parents, but right now I can do nothing but cry about him, and about our time together.

My head's not right. I've noticed that. I don't know why suddenly I feel I made many mistakes. I keep thinking about the few times that I had to discipline my little boy, and I'm riddled with guilt. I think about those times that I had to work so much, and my heart sinks. I feel so much guilt. I wish I could have given him more, and I wish 2 years ago, when we first found out about a tumor in his lung, that I would have had unlimited access to cash. I don't know whether it would have helped, but I wish things would have been different. I just feel like I haven't done enough. God, I still miss him so much.

Anyway, I have to keep my head above water. I'm going to try to enjoy my 3 days with Charlie, the Boston Terrorist. I'm pretty sure he'll keep me on my toes. He is a spoiled little bugger, but I think that's exactly what I need right now.

Moving Along

It's been two weeks, one day, and 6 hours since my sweetheart left. I still don't quite know how I am feeling, or whether I am dealing with things appropriately. I'm still confused. And I still have that huge hole left in my heart.

But I do notice some improvement. Since bringing his ashes home, I am feeling more at peace. Having him here has given me some closure. Or maybe it's because I feel more connected than before, while he was gone... I know it sounds ridiculous, and I never was a big believer myself, but I do feel his presence sometimes. Not very clearly, but little things happen once in a while, that make me smile, that suddenly remind me of him. For example, I have talked about fur popping up where I least expect it. And today, I was walking in my office building and suddenly I could smell him so strongly that it made me stop dead in my tracks and look up and all around to locate the cause of the scent. It was strange, but I loved it, and it made me smile.

I need to take time to really feel my loss at the moment. The easy way out would be to go and get a new dog. But of course there could never be a replacement. I certainly have looked already. Not so much because I thought I could replace him, but rather because I wanted the distraction, just a little break from the emptiness. But I know that deep down I am not ready.

Anyway, I am dealing with things, and they have gotten a little easier. I understand what was happening in his last month. I understand that it was his time to go and that he gave me everything he could, including bonus time. I know that he only stuck around because of me, and a little part of me feels guilty for having wanted him to continue to hang on. The only doubt I have is whether he really knew how much he meant to me; whether he really felt just how important he was to me. I hope he did. He never was just a pet. We were team-mates, partners in crime, soulmates. There are no words that could describe the love I had for my little boy... . He was everything in my life. I wish I could tell him just one more time how much I loved him.

Home

I finally was able to go and get his ashes. Since I got the call last Monday I could do nothing but think about it. People told me to wait if I wasn't ready. I know I wasn't quite ready yet, but to leave him there was even worse. I was hoping it would give me closure.

I left work early because I've officially entered the anger stage of grief. I caught myself getting snippy with the receptionist, and that wasn't a good sign. My boss was, as always, fully supportive of me. So I drove straight to the vet. On my way there I was reminded of that last drive we took together and it brought tears to my eyes. I felt my hand reaching down next to me, where he had sat on his very last day and so many times before.

When I arrived at the vet, I assumed I would be able to at least tell them why I was there, but I couldn't even do that. It was just a tough task to do, but we figured it out. He's in a light wooden box now. It's heavy, much heavier than I anticipated, but then I never had anyone cremated before. Still, it was good to have him back with me.

On the way home I placed 'him' where he sat that very last day, right next to my lap. My hand was draped over the wooden box, just like I had it draped over his head 9 days ago. I did feel a little bit relief having him by my side, even if he was in a different form.

I found a nice spot right where he used to lie in front of the TV. I placed a couple pictures there and a vase of white roses. The roses where given to me yesterday. I had arrived in class and on my table, these beautiful roses were left for me. They were sent to me by one of my previous professors, because she had found out through the grapevine that my Sparky had passed, and that he had been an amazing companion and my little souldog. I have talked to this professor maybe once in two years. It was such a beautiful gesture and while it brought quite a bit of happiness that moment, it also brought sorrow because I would have loved to share this moment with Sparky. It made me so proud to be his mom. He was such a wonderful dog, such a lover, and everyone he's ever met, he's touched so deeply in their heart.

I miss you sweetheart!

Bringing Him Home

I haven't been doing so good today, mainly because even though the weekend seemed okay, inside I was still hurting, but pushing it away and not really dealing with it. I even went so far to look at black retriever puppies online, hoping I would see one that would remind me of my love. I felt guilty after I was done. And it doesn't help that my longtime BF and I are on break, and he's been sticking to the 'break'-part of it. Even though I was the one that initiated it... I was hoping for a little more support, but he claims to be having a difficult time with this forced space ... So yeah, it's been difficult.

But regardless, I plug along. I just feel I have a permanent frown on my face right now. Maybe not a frown, but I'm pretty sure the sadness is engraved across my face. And just to make it worse, the vet called today. I saw the number and wasn't sure whether I wanted to pick up. They had send a little sympathy card, but I didn't want to talk now too. Anyway, the girl on the other end of the line told me in a sweet voice: "Mareike, we received Sparky's ashes today" ... and the floodgates opened for me. I couldn't even say Thank You, I just hung up. I think she heard me sob, because she never called back to make sure I understood her correctly.

So that's where we're at now. I'm dreading having to pick up his ashes, because I know it will make it even more real. I've been working so hard to not think about those last few days or his death. For some reason he's been living inside my head ... doing just fine. Now I have to bring home his remains... I hope that it will give me some closure, but probably not. I know that time will heal all wounds, but this one, I'm not so sure yet. I truly, deep down in my heart, believe that with his passing I have lost my purpose. I was so happy being "Mom", doing things for him, bringing presents for him, getting food for him, cooking, cleaning, playing, walking ... and in return getting unconditional love. I feel completely misplaced without him...

His Spot

I wanted to post a pic of his spot in front of the TV - the one I have been talking about. It baffles me how clearly his outline is imprinted on those tiles. The day after his death, I was moving the carpet a little and I noticed that there was a pale spot inside the darker spot. When I took a closer look, I realized it looks like a little paw ... It made me very happy.

Day 4

It's been another tough couple of days, but maybe today will be different. I set my goal not to cry today, but I think I already broke it while in the car, driving to work. It's going to be a beautiful day out today, and my initial reaction was "BEACH". But then I realized that a certain someone won't be joining me, and that I would be seeing lots and lots of pooches and it would most likely bring back some memories and for now I am trying to tug those away.

Friends and acquaintances have been so wonderful over the last 4 days. Dogbook on Facebook, where Sparky had made a gazillion friends, has proved to be an invaluable tool for me to stay mellow and mourn appropriately. I am grateful that somehow that little application which was officially Sparky's very own homepage, enabled me to meet other dog people who love their dogs as much as I do, and who understand what I am going through. Thank you for that.

The other day I went to the post office, only to have a notice in my box that there was a package waiting for me. When I picked it up, it contained Sparky's last injections of Adequan. A few hours later the holistic vet, who was apparently kept out of the loop, called to inquire about Sparky's health.... It's been tough. It's been real tough.

But there've also been some comforting experiences. Friends have been offering to actually loan their dogs to me, from Labs to Bostons to Pugs. Some of them don't even mind if I keep them for a day or two. I'm pretty sure that next week I will start to take them up on their offer. I think I need a little doggy breath in my life. I also found some old pictures of Sparky, and posted those online for friends and family to see. While I was doing that I sat in his spot and was actually able to smell him. How comforting. Also, that brown spot on my tiles in front of the TV has become my friend. I acknowledge it every morning and evening, and sometimes it feels like he's still there.

I think I will remove his water dish this weekend. My good friend Liz had brought me a beautiful plant on Monday, after Sparky had passed, and I think I will put it in that place instead. Another friend had suggested that I could make a pillow out of his bed, and I think I will. It won't be pretty, but who cares. It will hold so much meaning for me. And no, I am not washing the bed first ... I want to keep whatever smell and fur that's in there in it's place.

Last night I was sitting in class, and while I was thinking about my little fella, something made me look down to my chest and there it was, a big black hair, just sitting there, saying 'hi'. It brought a smile to my face because lately, there've been hairs popping up whereever and while normally I wouldn't react to it, now it seems like my little honey is saying "hello". I love that.

So yeah, things are still difficult, and I certainly could cry at the drop of a hat, but things are also slowly, very slowly, moving along.

Day 2

I have this need to apologize to everyone for everything I feel right now. I think people around me don't understand me, except probably those of you who come here to read this blog. I wonder if you think that I am just pathetic or insane? Society doesn't let us grieve like we grieve for humans. Pet loss has to be done in silence, and alone. I was at the store earlier and was looking at herbal medicines to see if there was something for heartache. I never believed any of that holistic stuff, but Sparky had given me a tiny glimmer of hope. Too bad that his disease had progressed so far that none of the medicines were able to grant him a fair fight ... So I stood at the counter and the lovely clerk asked me if I needed help. I was almost immediately fighting with my tears and asked her whether she had something to mellow me out - that I had lost a family member. I was afraid to say 'my sweet dog' ... and now I feel ashamed.

Anyway, things have been so tough since Monday. I can't get myself to take his water dish away, and I can't move his bed because it would mean that I would have to throw it out - I have no room to store it. I don't want to remove these things because I don't want to disrespect the bond we shared ... it's almost like wanting to keep the 'door open' ... I miss him so much. I'm afraid that his smell is leaving my house, I'm afraid that I will forget. I feel guilty when I smile occasionally because I feel it's not right ... I would give anything if I could get a little sign from him. I want what other people have experienced, and even if it's not true, or it was their imagination ... I still want that. I haven't even dreamed about him yet ... I miss him so so much. I looked at old videos last night, of how things used to be between us and I saw his change, but it still broke my heart. I miss so many things about him, it just keeps hurting.

I have less to do today, which isn't good. I get home around 4 and have nothing to do but sit there and stare... I know I could choose to do things, but I don't want to ... I'm exhausted and tired and I don't feel like trying to stuff my days so full that I don't have time to feel anything. I have lost everything the day I lost him - nothing matters anymore. I wish he would give me a sign ...

Our Last Journey Together

I don't know where to begin, except I let my soulmate go.

I had a lot of doubts yesterday. I felt guilt. I wasn't sure if this is what he wanted, because I was confused by his last rally to be perky and cute with me. But deep down I knew - my heart knew - it was time. My friend had offered to go with us, but thankfully he was considerate and kept his distance. He knew that Sparky was a Momma's Boy. He knew that he would want me all to himself, and anything different would be cause for 'concern'.

I had fed him another hefty dose of deli meats before we left, placed him in the car on the passenger seat beside me, with his paws draped over my legs. The entire way to the vet, I was able to pet him and talk to him. My friend decided to take his own car, giving us even more space. I had read somewhere to stay as calm as possible, to not let your emotions run wild, to not upset your fur child in any way before "it" was done. It was difficult, but I told him how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how much joy he gave me, how he was the best puppy there ever was and ever will be, and how it was time for him to return to puppyhood, and to have a good ol' time at the Rainbow Bridge. I think he was listening to me.

When we arrived at the vet, I decided to keep him outside on a juicy patch of green grass. He always loved grass and he loved to rub his face and whole body across it. This time he kept circling for a good 5 minutes before sitting down and watching other dogs go by. It must have been a lab convention somewhere because we saw countless labs, right and left. Sparky was a big lab lover, probably because of his heritage. But this time I could tell that he had grown tired. Even though he kept an eye on everything, it wasn't the usual excitement I was used to. Another sign that things were not right, that my boy was tired. Suddenly the door to the vet opened and an older gentleman with a black female lab came out. Sparky showed immediate interest, rose, ears half-way perked, and his tail wagging as much as he could in his position. It was wonderful to see him one last time; he saw something that made him happy. It was almost as if he was trying to show off; as if he had forgotten what brought us there. It was bitter-sweet.

Soon thereafter the vet tech arrived with the first shot in hand. We had decided to give him the sedative out on the grass to help him relax, and we would later move him inside to a room to give the second shot to stop his heart. I watched my baby-boy get sleepy and offered my hand to rest his face in. The entire time, 20 minutes, I kept repeating how much he meant to me, how this was the right thing, how I would be okay, and how I would insist on him checking in with me every week, if not every day. My heart was breaking into a million pieces but I made it without crying. I didn't want to worry him in any way.

Even though it had been 20 minutes, I felt the lab techs came back too soon to put him on a gurney and carry him in. When they had turned his back to me, he immediately rose up in high alert, looking for me... I'll never forget. We settled in a room, where they gave me another 10 minutes to talk with him, to pet him, to explain to him how everything will be alright, and to make absolutely sure that he had been the best dog to ever walk this Earth.

The vet arrived and explained the procedure to me. She said she would shave his leg a little, find a vein, and once the injection was completed, he would be gone within seconds. I asked her to tell me when, so I could make doubly sure that he would get one last final squeeze from me. The entire time I remained on eye level with him, and whenever he opened his eyes, he would see my smiling face, no matter how hard I wanted to cry.

In true Sparky-fashion, he refused to make things easy. The vet told me how his vein was "uncooperative", and how she couldn't believe she had such a hard time. I had to laugh a little, because it was so Sparky. He had many health scares in his lifetime, and he should have died quite a few times before, but he always insisted on fighting the fight, on sticking around. Eventually she found the vein: "It's time". I held his paw, stroked his face, whispered to him how much I loved him, kissed his face and that was it. Over. So quick. But it was peaceful and just what we needed. When she listened for a heartbeat and shook her head, I fell apart... gone. I sobbed, like I have sobbed so many times in the last few days. I was overwhelmed by the immediate emptiness. Years and years of absolute devotion to this little guy - gone. My life's purpose - gone. He meant the entire world to me. He came before everything else. Nothing was ever done without him on the forefront of my mind.

The vet was in tears as well. Sparky had been such a lover, such a ladies' man; every woman, human or canine, always fell for him. His vet was no exception. I didn't want to leave him there. It felt wrong to walk out of there with my companion left behind. But I somehow got the courage and walked away.

I didn't really cry when I got home. I felt a strange comfort when I was standing in my living room. I looked over to his favorite spot in front of the TV. Years of him lounging there have discolored the tile, and I always refused to clean with chemicals there because I knew my baby slept there. Now I have a brown spot in the shape of a sleeping dog there ... Sometimes it feels comforting, sometimes it causes heartbreak.

I cried when I came home from dinner. It was 8 pm and I felt lonely, and empty. Even though I had prepared myself and actually told myself when I walked up to my house, that Sparky was not going to be there, my initial reaction was to look for him when the door swung open. I spent the rest of the night crying for my little boy and kneeling in front of the TV, where carpet meets the tiles, trying to be comforted by his scent that still lingers there ... I miss him so much.

Sleep Tight, Sweet Boy.

Today, at 4:30 pm, my sweet little boy, Sparky, left my side to go on to Rainbow Bridge. I will forever love him and cherish his memory, and I will miss him so very, very much.

Sweet dreams, Puppyface.

Broken

I'm watching the last 2 hours tick by slowly. It still feels surreal to me at times, like I don't fully comprehend the tidal wave of heart break und sorrow that is about to unravel over me. It didn't make it easier that Sparky perked up last night. For about an hour he was his old self, and then he passed out snoring in front of the TV. My first instinct was "Improvement!!!!!" but then reality set in: there is no improvement with this terminal disease. Throughout the night he slept restlessly. He would wake every hour, almost exactly to the minute. He was always good with time. I used to call him my canine alarm clock, because he would wake me every morning at exactly 8:11 am ... until he got sick.

Today he refused the chicken too. I tried other things, but no, nothing appealed to him. I dug out some more lunch meat and fed him sliced turkey and ham, a big hit! Surprisingly, he even refused his cookies. Another big sign that things were coming to an end. I sat on the floor sobbing when suddenly he perked up, got off the floor all by himself, and came over to nudge me and wag his tail. I was elated, I was excited and I cancelled the appointment. I ended up going to work, thinking that he must be well. But within 2 hours I had a really bad feeling of doom in my stomach and I went home. When I got here, he was asleep, didn't hear me, and when he finally did, he didn't rise. I helped him up and we went outside, very briefly. He peed, stumbled, and sat down in it. At that moment I saw my desperation, my drive to find 'anything' that would make me put this off. And again I needed to remind myself that this disease is not curable, that he will die, and probably very soon, within days. One of my friends said "What if his tail wag wasn't a "I wanna live", but instead a "It's okay mom, don't worry, it's time". I sobbed. He was right. Another friend asked me whether I really wanted to wait till the last minute to do this, when he was seriously suffering. Again, I sobbed. Of course not. I called to reschedule to 4:15 pm.

So I'm sitting here, still crying, with Sparky across the room from me, in front of the door, his favorite spot since getting sick. He's sleeping and thank god for his near-deafness, he can't hear me cry. I'm torn. I don't know whether I am doing the right thing. But everything taken together and looked at objectively shows me that he has no good days left. He's still a bit perky, and I doubt he has any idea what's about to happen, but I hope he will be okay with it.

There's a lovely woman here on Blogger. She reads Sparky's Blog because she has her own story of losing her canine soulmate. In her "About Me" section she wrote one word: BROKEN. And that is me now. I feel I'm stumbling on the rim of a really dark pit, and when Sparky leaves my side, I will fall. He has been my rock for the last 7 years, 1 month, and 3 days. I'm gonna miss my boy so much. No one has held my heart so intensely as he has. I am so scared.

Our Last Day

It's for the best. Keeping him longer would be cruel. I know that he's trying so hard to hang in there for me. When I was sobbing earlier, he suddenly bounced up, acting like nothing was wrong, and I knew exactly that he was doing it for me... I've spent hours laying next to him, talking to him, trying not to cry but my tears always win. I wish he wouldn't see me like that. I am so afraid.

I keep trying to look at it as giving him one last gift, and less of how his death will rip my heart out. I promised him I'd do the right thing, and so it will be done. Tomorrow. At 3:00 pm. I was hoping the vet could come by my place, but it looks like I'll have to take him in instead. I'm going to be there all the way till the end, holding his paw, kissing his ears and his face.

I went to the grocery store to get some deli meats and cheeses, some of his favorite chewy treats, some vanilla yogurt and some vanilla ice cream. I want to spoil him one last time.

I'm not sure if he knows. But I'm pretty sure he knows something is wrong with his mommy, I wish I didn't have to worry him.

I'm so afraid of tomorrow. I keep wavering between It's Time and Not Yet. But it all comes down to the same thing: He's not getting better, he's only getting worse. Letting him go with dignity is so important.

I wish I could change things. I wish I'd been more diligent in trying to find this cancer. I wish I'd never fed him commercial food. I wish we had more time together. I wish I could go with him ...

I Can't Imagine

I've been talking to Sparky all day today. We've hung out more than ever and I've been trying to let him know that it's okay. It's okay to let go now. I can't forget what the vet said: "He's hanging in there for you. He shouldn't have made this long". I sobbed most of the day. I tried not to let him see me like this, but how am I supposed to do this in private. He's been sitting all day by the front door, looking out, checking the neighborhood. It pains me to think about what will be next. I've made a plan. I had to. The way he's looking at me ... he's looking to me for guidance, to make a decision, to make it okay for him to pass.

If he's not remarkably better by Monday, I will call his vet and arrange that we 'do this' Tuesday morning. I know I have to. I owe him this.

I can't imagine life without my little boy. I can't imagine coming home and not seeing my little fuzzball greet me at the door. I can't image not being able to bury my face in his fur. I can't imagine not being covered in black dog hair on a daily basis. I can't imagine seeing his goofy grin when he does something he knows he's not supposed to. I can't imagine not kissing him good night every night. I can't imagine not seeing his tail wag like a propeller when I get home from work. I can't imagine not going on our daily walks. I can't imagine not making his meals in the morning and evening. I can't imagine not having his stinky feet in my face. I can't imagine not taking him with me when I go to the beach. I can't imagine not hearing his gentle snore at night. Most of all, I can't imagine not being loved by him.

I just can't imagine.

Not good

He's been declining again since yesterday afternoon. The usual, lots of panting, seeming restless or anxious. He slept okay, but his overall condition was just not good. Today in the morning he didn't want his usual breakfast, even after I didn't make him take the Neoplasene. He ended up eating a couple of Wieners and some Cottage Cheese. I left a message for the holistic vet, telling her I was stopping the treatment, because I felt it wasn't working.

Two hours later she called me back and gave me the bad news. She agreed with stopping everything and going into full pain control mode. I was surprised because I had hoped she would try to convince me that we could beat this thing. No.
She told me that she had a chance to take a lot at the x-rays from a month ago. She had stopped by my regular vet to take a look. What she saw was not what she had prepared for. She told me that his entire chest, and especially his lungs were so badly affected by the cancer, that she was surprised he was still alive after a month. When I ask her what it meant, she said that he could probably 'go' any day now. She told me to hang in through the weekend, and if he didn't make a turn-around, it was definitely time to let go.

I am crying my eyes our while I am writing this. I would do anything if this didn't have to happen. I don't want to be without my boy. We're a team, and we have always been one since he mooched his way into my life 8 years ago ... I can't imagine that as early as 2 days from now, my boy won't be with me anymore. What am I supposed to do then? Everything is going to remind me of him. EVERYTHING. There's not one spot that will not make me break down in tears, it already does now... Right now he's sleeping on the floor. I've noticed that I've been silently hoping for him to just go to sleep ... I don't want to have to do this. But I just don't want him to suffer anymore either ...

Open Wide

C'mon, Open Sesame!

Good Boy! Pill is in place.

Hold shut.

Beg, Plead, Do Whatever, and Don't Let Him Smell Fear :D

Amazing! All this for just a little sugary pill ...

New Supplements, New Change

I definitely owe an update to everyone. Last Tuesday and Monday were tough on me and on the Spark. It just looked grim to me. He didn't perk back up till Tuesday night, when suddenly he started to demand all my attention, mooched food, begged for rub downs, etc.

Anyway, things have been looking up again since then. Amazing how his energy fluctuates. Is that normal? It just seems that he has either really good days, or really bad days ... a little bit of balance would be nice.

I talked to the holistic vet again. She had called me after hearing that he was in distress Sunday night through Tuesday night. She told me to get some homeopathic supplements. Arsenicum Album and Phosphorus C 30. The Arsenicum Album he gets when he goes into respiratory distress again, ie: coughing, heavy panting, blueish tongue. The Phos C 30 is for when he's anxious, ie: pants and seems stressed, but not quite as bad. The instructions are great. Hah. She told me to give him 5 pellets, put them on his tongue and let the pellets dissolve. Seriously? Has anyone ever tried to place a pellet (even if it's sugary) on a dog's tongue and tried to have him hold still till it dissolved? LOL. I tried several times yesterday and basically always ended up taking him into a near choke-hold,while lovingly petting him :D , and keeping his mouth shut. Everytime he tried to push those little pellets through his tiny, stumpy front teeth. When I tried to re-insert them, he would hold those little teeth clamped together tightly - it was like trying to break into Fort Knox. I have to make sure I get a picture of his face next time. You'll all love it.

Anyway, I am not sure whether the stuff works, but he did mellow out a bit thereafter, and even fell asleep. I can't wait to get home tonight after work. He seems to be in good spirits again, and I have the whole weekend off to spoil him rotten.

Horrible Night

Last night was awful. Even though he was fast asleep when I went to bed, within 30 min he was wide awake, panting. It wasn't the normal panting, it was loud, and somewhat labored. It seemed, the longer he was sitting in the dark panting, the more he stressed, the worse it got. I tried to calm him in the dark but it didn't help. I tried laying next to him and petting him, and it didn't help. Eventually I turned on the TV for some light, and got him some of the new kibble I bought (for cancer dogs). He seemed to forget about his breathing issue a little, and after I gave him some peanut butter he looked much happier. I left on the TV until I heard him snore a little. The same procedure was repeated 4 more times throughout the night. It was a very long night for both of us.

Today I woke up to a still sleepy dog. He was laying on his side and I decided to get ready for work first and letting him get some rest. I figured by the time he'd smell the pork loin that I made for him the night before, he would be up and poking his head into the kitchen. But no. I even went over to him with his food bowl and he continued to lay there. The nose was twitching but he wasn't moving. I helped him up, and then he ate. Clearly, food is still important to him, once he's up and running, but I can tell that he's starting to get really tired. He's turning into a different pooch, not the one I spent half his life with. I know, I keep saying the same thing, but I am just so heartbroken. I cried so much, trying to do it silently so that he doesn't notice me. I have an important scholarship interview in less than 6 hours and I'm all cried out ...

When is the right time? And how long do I keep going? I didn't give him his Neoplasene and all the other stuff today, because I didn't want him to feel nauseous on top of his weakness. I just wanted him to enjoy his meal, without having to swallow some bitter pill first. I don't know guys, I'm feeling that this is coming to an end. To me it seems the Neoplasene is not working. I don't think I will start with it again, if he doesn't perk up ... I just don't want him to spend his last days/weeks sick to his stomach too.

Today when I went to work, Sparky looked at me and came to the door with me. He never does that. I looked down on him, and part of me felt like he was saying good-bye, or saying "Mom I'm really tired", as in "Prepare yourself" ... I left with such a heavy heart and full fear...

Acceptance

Sparky 2004 - he was such a stunner, people always stopped to pet him, hug him.

Acceptance ... it's become really difficult. I had posted another post earlier about my speculations that Sparky was suffering from heart disease and that his weakness and panting was easily fixable with pills. I had researched the issue for hours over the weekend, frequented all kinds of dog forums to get expertise on pharmaceuticals, diets, exercise ... you name it, I was reading up on it. All in preparation to switch gears on the treatment to make him feel better, to save him, to keep him with me...

It all came crashing down when the vet finally called me back in the evening to tell me that I was hanging on to false hope. She said that even though he had an enlarged heart, there was no heart disease, that his heart rythm was steady and good, that there was no murmur, that it was fairly strong. She told me "You need to start letting go. It's not fair to you. You've done all you can." I am heartbroken all over again. I was hoping to have found something, anything. I asked her whether she was sure that we were not overlooking anything. I would give anything. It's been so hard the last few days. Overall he seems okay, but the panting and the coughing scares me so much. And he's weak. I was hoping that something else could be done.

I'm starting my last 3 months of law school on Monday. I'm starting to study for the bar very soon. I can't focus at all on anything but him. I don't know how things will be. I don't want to leave him alone all day and then all night, when I'm in class - I feel I'm going to miss our last moments together... God, I am so heartbroken.

Another Problem to Add to the List

I didn't post the last couple of days, because things were up and down a lot, and I'm trying to resist whining immediately about it ... I have to get used to the bad days, and not just focus on the good days.

Anyway, Friday we went for another acupuncture appointment. That morning he looked especially good, and he acted in a lot of ways that he hadn't acted in a while. Too many little details that wouldn't make sense to many outsiders, but to me, it was a big surprise and a big step in the right direction.

While he was getting acupuncture I discussed his heart condition with the vet. The night before he had been laying on his side when I noticed that a patch of his fur was pulsating. At first I couldn't really believe it, but then it dawned on me that his heart was beating and it was visible through his fur, about a 3 by 3 patch of fur. When I had received the original diagnosis of his cancer, I was also made aware that he had an enlarged heart. Not just a little, but huge. It takes up all of his upper portion of his chest cavity. The original vet had told me not to worry too much about it, and meds weren't needed, and she wasn't even sure if it was all heart, or whether the tumors were part of the image, or whether it was the heart sac ... Anyway, seeing his fur move rapidly I felt like I was staring at a time bomb. I discussed it with the holistic vet and she put him on Bio Cardio immediately. Bio Cardio consists of Hawthorne Berry, which has been known to improve the contractions of the heart muscle and improve heart health. It can be used for a variety of heart diseases. The holistic vet was also surprised I hadn't mentioned it before, and told me that his weakness could very well be from his heart condition. I felt like an ass. I had double-checked with the other vet the night of the initial diagnosis, just to make sure I didn't have to worry --- but now I felt like a neglectful mother.

After we got home, the same thing happened that had happened last time - he crashed from the acupuncture. This time I was at least prepared. The holistic vet checked in with us later, and she said not to worry, but she was surprised how sensitive of a pooch he was. Well, he'd always been like that. Whatever could go wrong, usually does, and usually to a magnified degree. At least this time it only lasted 18 hours.

I guess I should be grateful, because overall he's doing okay. But I can't. Not today. Little things are creeping up and they all add to the big picture, which is not pretty. There are those good days, when I completely forget about what's going on and what our future is going to look like. And then those bad days hit, and I grieve all over again. I must be in denial. I don't know. But I do know that I can't imagine my life without him. And it hurts like hell when I think about that I'll be left behind...

Neoplasene and the Power of Sardines

Apparently, the Neoplasene-Cottage Cheese mixture isn't a big hit.

Finding the right bribe proves difficult.

Bacon was a no-go.

Cheese didn't cover the 'stinky' smell.

Burger bits were an insult ...

"No thanks, mom. I'm okay. I think I'll pass today - thanks for the thought ..."

*burp*

Buuuuuuuuuut, Mom wasn't born yesterday --- she's bringing out the big guns:

SARDINES - enough stink to cover any medicine you're trying to sneak into your pet's food ...

A spoonful of Sardines helps the medicine go down in the most delightful way

- even Mary Poppins was aware of that ... :D

The First Three Weeks - Recap

Today is Sparky's 3-week anniversary of his cancer diagnosis and the vet's announcement that he has 2 months left to live. We hopefully get to prove them all wrong! I thought I would recap what I have changed in his life so far, and what our treatment looks like at the moment.

CURRENT COURSE OF TREATMENT (for a 70 lb lab mix):

• 6 cups of food per day
• 50% protein, 25 % veggies, 25 % rice
• 1 capsule Colostrum twice a day (for a healthy GI)
• 1 teaspoon of Pet Dophilus a day (healthy GI)
• 3 capsules of Omega 3, 6, and 9 per day (we've currently stopped this, because of some diarrhea issues)
• 1- 1 1/2 cc Astragalus (immune booster) twice per day
• .75 cc Neoplasene twice per day (minimum dosage for a dog his size, but we're dealing with a sensitive stomach - this dosage will be increased)
• massages (by me) to stimulate and exercise his weakened hind legs
• 5 daily short walks to stimulate and exercise those hind legs
• acupuncture - starting this week on a regular basis, probably 1 or 2 times per week for a month

RECOMMENDED FOODS:

• ground beef
• chicken breasts
• salmon
• sardines (water-based is preferred)
• eggs (2 - 4 eggs, approved by holistic vet)
• brown rice
• squash or zucchini
• carrots (try mashed with some butter - big hit with my pooch)
• yogurt (stay away from the sweetened kind)
• cottage cheese
• wieners (as a treat)
• sliced deli meats (as a treat)
• cheese (use the mild stuff)
• broccoli (but don't feed too much of this, could cause some GI upset)

I think this just about covers it. I'm hoping to see more progress when the acupuncture kicks in. So far it's been a bit rocky, going back and forth quite a bit, but overall I have the impression he's getting better. Last night we had a small breakthrough. We took a little walk at around 7 pm, and out of nowhere, Sparky grabbed his toy out of my hand, and sprinted down the street like a maniac. Not only that, but when I caught up to him we played tug for a good 5 minutes. I ended up chasing him around the driveway and down the street, while he was running around, mouth wide open, looking back to me as if he was smiling. We haven't had a moment like this in weeks, maybe even months. And our morning today started off just as well. He got up and greeted me. It's been a long time since this has happened. Total bliss for both of us.

Nausea and Diarrhea

Be aware, nausea and diarrhea are likely to follow the ingestion of Neoplasene.

Again, I am not 100% positive, but I would say 85% of certainty is guaranteed. Over the last week, I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to get rid of his diarrhea. It's a tough feat. Chicken and rice will only be an interesting food choice for so long, especially once your pooch figures out that he can have pretty much anything these days. With just rice and chicken, the poopage improves ... without (because he's associating rice and chicken with Neoplasene now, thus forcing me to switch things up) the diarrhea comes right back... It's a never-ending battle at this point. He's currently taking Colostrum and I started him on Pet Dophilus - I'm hoping it will improve things at the rear end... Poor pup.

Other than that, his legs remain weak, and since I'm working from home all day today, he's lazy and just laying around, instead of being bouncy and trying to impress me like he usually does when I get back home from work.

Definitely looking forward to what acupuncture might be able to do for him.

Picky, picky!

I never thought I would have a picky eater in Spark, but apparently yes, that's the new routine. I'm not sure whether he's actually nauseous from the Neoplasene, or whether he figured out he can pretty much demand anything of me these past days/weeks.

As always, I woke up to a snoring pooch today. His eyes were flickering wildly, his feet twitching, so clearly, he was in REM sleep and I didn't want to disturb him. What a sweet sight. I'm slowly getting used to the idea that he probably won't greet me much in the morning anymore. At least not like he used to. So instead, I am greeting him with soft pets and little kisses behind his ear, my favorite spot because right there is the softest fur and he smells the most like himself.

He's been getting a little stand-offish when I serve him his Neoplasene/Cottage Cheese mix. Bacon bits used to do the trick, but not anymore. Last night, I tried a little canned salmon on top, and it worked. Today, I was out of salmon, but tried tuna, and it worked. But then his regular food afterward he did not want. I tried everything. I ended up heading to the grocery store and getting sardines and ground beef. Not a big hit either. I assume it's the Neoplasene - he may be a little queasy. I then made some mashed carrots with butter, and he loved it... figures.

Things have become a bit unpredictable these days, lots of trying new stuff, with a fair amount of turned up noses. But it's all worth it, because right now, I have a bouncy pet by the front door, demanding to go out so he can enjoy the day ... Life is good today.

Changing ...

... for the better? Not sure yet. But overall he seems to have perked up a notch. Not that he wasn't perky before -he just couldn't move- but now I see a little spring in his first initial steps. I keep eyeballing him, and I feel that things are better. But I'm just not sure.

The morning started just like the previous 2 mornings; he didn't want to get up like he used to. But today, I was able to bribe him with food. And after he ate, we went outside. He looks a dash more sturdy, but then has his moments of weakness, and occasional stumbles ... Of course I jump into action each time, ready to catch his fall. I would say he has about 3 such episodes per walk. Clearly, he isn't 100% but he seems to be better than yesterday.



He's also inhaling his food again. And his tail keeps wagging, his ears keep perking, and he's definitely back to demanding all my attention. We're back on the Neoplasene, and no nausea is manifesting. Perfect. I don't want to say that the holistic vet was right yet, because I'm just not sure, but it looks like he's recovering from whatever was going on. At this point I'm looking forward to him having acupuncture on a more regular basis.

Healing Crisis

Healing Crisis. That's what it's called. Supposedly. And I've never heard of it until today. I think I called every vet in my town, including all holistic vets. I was determined to track someone down to help me. No one could. Except, one lady offered to come by my house and charge me roughly 1000 Dollars for 5 treatments.... People in my situation are desperate; so to all you out there, who are in a similar situation, please beware. Some people are perfectly willing to use your desperation against you and exploit you.

Luckily, I did track down 'his' holistic vet and she offered to come to my house and take a look at my boy. I was grateful. After chatting with her for a while about his symptoms via phone she announced that it sounded more like "Healing Crisis" then an overall decline in health. She said she does come across this symptom sometimes, and she's had pet owners like me, who were convinced that the end was near, when in effect, the ailing body was adjusting to the new treatment.

HEALING CRISIS: A healing crisis is a severe symptom, or set of symptoms, which may appear quite suddenly or unexpectedly during the course of natural healing. If patients are not educated to the normal re-balancing act the body must do to regain equilibrium, they might possibly become frightened or distrustful of the treatment they are undergoing, be it chiropractic, acupuncture, nutritional, homeopathic, etc. Holistic practitioners often assume that their patients understand the self-healing process, or are afraid to tell them that they might be feeling a whole lot worse before they begin to feel better.

Sparky's vet told me that he would most likely be better tomorrow, and that I should not lose faith. I'm also going to continue the Neoplasene. I will hang in there, just like the pup is. She told me to give him a doggy massage, ie: run my flat hands and fingers across his body, all the way down to his tail, massage his legs, squeeze his feet, and work on the stiffness that he's experiencing from the healing crisis. She's confident that he'll be better tomorrow or the day after. I guess older dogs take a little longer to recover from something like this. As for right now, after 20 minutes of massage, I have a snoring pooch on the floor. I am RELIEVED.

From Bad to Worse

Things are steadily going downhill at the moment. I'm frustrated and scared, and there's nothing I can do. Sparky was up half the night, just standing there, panting. I am not sure if he was in pain, but he didn't look comfortable.

Today in the morning he was ready to go out, but had definite trouble getting in to the standing position. I had to help. While outside trying to do his business, he got so weak that he sat down ... That has NEVER happened before. He clearly had a hard time standing and walking and his hind legs were dragging on the asphalt when he walked. It was heartbreaking.

Back at home he only had a moderate appetite, and I think that's the effect of the Neoplasene. He seems a little queasy. Two ago days he broke his dish bowl because he was so excited, and today he turned up his nose at the food he loves so much. He also continues to have diarrhea. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I am exhausted. I want him to be comfortable and not in pain, yet everything I do right now makes his quality of life worse.

I called his holistic vet and his regular vet and left messages. We NEED to talk. This is not working for us, especially not for him. I feel I'm losing him. I feel I have maybe a week left, because if he can't get up to go out, what else is left? I'm stuck. The holistic vet wants me to stop the pain meds, but Sparky needs them for functioning. The Neoplasene makes him queasy, so he doesnt want to eat. Eating is his favorite activity ... and he doesn't want to?????

I have to think about making this as comfortable as possible for him. I'm devastated that nothing is working right now, but I don't want to keep him in pain. He's back on the pain meds, and I will stop the Neoplasene and only give him chicken, rice and cottage cheese until we get the diarrhea and the upset tummy under control.

I look at him and every time my heart breaks. I don't know what the right thing is? I don't know whether acupuncture will make a difference. But I do know, that right now, he's suffering....

Day One - Not So Good

It's been an emotional day.

I woke up hoping to see a change in mobility, but besides Sparky being awake and happy to see me, nothing else had changed. I felt he was even slower than yesterday. Our first walk was extremely short and when we came back and I presented him with breakfast, he didn't even want to rise for it. That was it. I took out the Previcox and gave him his usual dosage. I know! But I couldn't stand it. He was suffering quietly and I was not going to be able to handle knowing that I held the key to his comfort. I'm hoping to get off the Previcox again tomorrow, or the day after, if he starts feeling a bit stronger.

After breakfast I went to work, and of course did nothing but research Neoplasene and Acupuncture. Like I said, I am not a big believer in holistic care and I feel I'm grasping at any straws, regardless of how small they might be... okay? Honestly, I don't see a difference from the acupuncture. The vet had told me this wonderful story about this dog that couldn't walk anymore, and she administered her treatment, and voila! he was able to walk out of her office. Nice! Just didn't work for Sparky, did it? I know, she said it would probably take some extra treatments ... I will give her that.

As to the Neoplasene, I'm a little worried too. It seems to be a pretty heavy-duty stuff, and while it does a lot of good, there's a small percentage of canines who it will not work for, and who actually might get quite ill. At this point, because I'm already mopey, I feel that Sparky might belong to that small percentage, which of course isn't fair for me to say - not so early in the game.

I guess my biggest concern and worry today is that he's so slow and lethargic. But the tail wags are still there, and so is the big appetite. I read on the Neoplasene website about Glucosamine Sulfate, which works like a NSAID, but without interfering with the Neoplasene. I sent my vet an email about that, and maybe that's the ticket for us ... I just can't be the cause for his pain - it would kill me. I hope tomorrow is a better day for us.

The Treatment

I currently have a passed-out pooch next to my bed, snoring happily, and dreaming of dog parks and car rides.

Today we went for our first session with the holistic vet. Very nice lady. Her house was right next to the local off-leash dog park, which was a total treat for Sparky, since we never make it over there anymore and he's just not that agile to actually make it worth the trip. Anyway, we met for an hour and unbeknownst to me, she had intended to give him some acupuncture for his hip dysplasia and arthritis. I 've always been skeptical of this type of treatment. I attribute the skepticism to my German upbringing and also the lawyer in me. But the vet was convinced it would do good, and at this point I'm desperate for results. She had observed him and noticed that he was quite slow, and frankly, I have grown so accustomed to it, that I hadn't noticed; not until I saw the other dogs outside the dog park. It actually made me sad, because he used to be such a happy, bouncy boy who'd partake in impromptu chases and things like that.

Anyway, the visit was good. After about 20 min of needles in his back and legs I could tell he was relaxing and enjoying himself. He was less suspicious and actually let her massage his back. We decided on the Neoplasene treatment, which was no surprise to me, since we had talked about it. She praised me for switching him to such a healthy diet, and said that diet alone was gonna work wonders on his immune system and his ability to put up a fight against the cancer. I was never aware how unhealthy commercial dog food is... I'm ashamed that I never looked more closely into what I was feeding my sweetheart. Anyway at this point he's getting:

• canned salmon
• chicken
• cottage cheese
• cheese
• 2 - 4 eggs per day
• rice
• zucchini or squash
• some tuna
• ground beef
• apple or pear
• plain yogurt

Distribution-wise it should be about 50% protein, and 25% veggies/fruit and 25% rice. In addition he gets Omega 3, 6, and 9 ... tho I must say, it's been giving him a little bit of diarrhea, so I will be giving about 1000 mg per day for a while and see if it changes, instead of the 3000 mg he's been getting. From now on he's also getting 0.75 cc Neoplasene twice a day as liquid in this food, as well as 1-2 cc Astragalus. Both fight the cancer, the Astragalus builds a better immune system.

In order to fight any tummy upset that may develop from the Neoplasene, and to kind of mellow out his already existing, mild diarrhea I am also going to add Pet Probiotic (by Jarrow) and Colostrum (1 capsule 2x per day). She thinks that the current mild diarrhea is the result of him having been fed commercial food for all his life, and his body isn't used to the good stuff he's getting now. Besides, my boy always had a somewhat sensitive stomach, so this new stuff might work great for him.

Furthermore, we will continue with the acupuncture on a weekly basis, until we see some results, and then we will probably go down to twice, or maybe just once, per month. Also, the Previcox he's been taking, I am going to try and stop right now. She said to only give him the Previcox if absolutely needed, but it's counteracting the Neoplasene, so the less he gets the better. We may try Arnica later, once he's off the Previcox. Though she feels he might get to a point with the acupuncture, when no Previcox and no Arnica will be needed. That would be awesome.

I feel good. I feel a little relieved. I'm happy that I've been doing a lot of things right already. She was very happy to hear that he's got such a big appetite, and she can tell that there is a very happy, playful pup lurking inside him. I hope all this stuff will work out just fine. She said I should see some changes in mobility tomorrow or the day after. Today, she said, he's most likely going to be wiped-out ... and yup, she sure is right.